I’m pink therefore I’m spam…

Can’t be bothered to write anything new cos too busy sun-bathing but I am undeservedly proud of this old one I stumbled upon

SpyKeyOne

“Without Spam we wouldn’t have been able to feed our army”. – Nikita Khrushchev

Spam is ‘mixed-up’ canned meat consisting mainly of pork shoulder plus additives. Of course many people believe it to contain more unsavoury cuts such as snout. The truth of this is debatable.

Why are you spam?

Easy. I too am a little ‘mixed-up’ and you can never be quite sure what you’re going to get. I talk about aliens, pants and Post Offices for crying out loud!

Why are you pink?

Well, I’m a little embarrassed writing this very personal piece plus if someone else can be a ‘color’ then so can I. I’m pink and if you’ve got a problem with that I shall out you on Twitter.

Do you contain unsavoury body parts?

Of course I do! I also have a few on the outside. People tell me I have nice eyes though.

Do you come…

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The Querilous Condition of Dissonant Cognition

Sobriety Manifesto

So often, and I mean I swam in this fugue for years, I told myself I’d dry out. I’d be walking home through east Portland, down Hawthorne to the one bedroom place I shared with another actor. I’d tell myself I wouldn’t buy that beer. That one that I could already taste, that I could already feel trespassing my lips and rushing through my chest like the purifying slider that it had become. Yeah. That one.

Sometimes I’d make it through that gauntlet of brewpub after taproom, past Fred Meyer for the cheap stuff or New Seasons for something more precocious. If I took the bus all the way down the line, I knew if be in the clear. Not always, but if my conviction was true that night, that evening, that afternoon, I’d slip inside and settle in, take a proud sigh of relief, and begin the next cycle…

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Things I’m no good at – Part 10 – being stupid.

Pissing ourselves laughing! OMG Carl, that is the funniest (and least accurate) thing you’ve ever said! You are TOTALLY brilliant at being an idiot! You could give lessons!

Hilarious, give yourself a medal.

OK, We’ve picked ourselves off the floor now. Ooh, that hurts, our sides splitting… Is there a point to this?

Of course, you think I would let you off that easily?

Nope, there’s always more. We’ll forgive you this time just for cheering us up.

So, it’s occurred to me that people who think less are often happier.

What do you mean?

Well, say the only things you think or worry about is what you’re having for dinner, what was on TV last night, whether you can afford that 42″ HD TV etc.

And?

Well, isn’t that less stressful? To not watch the news, to not get involved in politics, to not really worry about the economy or environment, to not pay any attention to other peoples plights and lives wherever they are on the globe?

Hmmmm…. You’re trying to encourage us to be more stupid aren’t you?

Only if you want to be happier.

Would you be happier if we read your blog less?

I’d be ecstatic.  But I’d worry that you were happier then…. And that would annoy me.

But we like annoying you!

Go away and be more happy then.

 

Friday 13th July 2018 – What protesters will do wrong. And how to really piss Trump off and why.

Hmmm Carl. More of your pearls of wisdom?

Hey, it’s me. What did you expect?

OK, we’ll give you thirty seconds. IF you’re lucky.

You read that fast? Good for you…

*Sigh* Just get on with it…

Remember, you asked. Regular readers will know that I have mental health ‘issues’ on top of being an extreme Alpha, Aries, opinionated man with undeserved over-confidence and an over-inflated sense of self-importance?

We can’t really argue with that…

I know. If you care to look, this is a description of Donald Trump’s personality traits according to his zodiac. https://www.elitedaily.com/life/depth-look-donald-trumps-zodiac-chart-birthday/1991759 

So?

He and I are not the same (Please higher power, no) , however we do share some interesting similarities. Therefore I think I know the best way to make a statement (should you wish to do so) to really upset him if\when he visits the UK.

Go on… How?

Ignore him and the visit. Carry on with your own life. Don’t demonstrate. Don’t even watch TV or go on Twitter or FaceBook and comment. Ghost him. Pay no attention whatsoever. Above all, do not go out with placards and boo etc.

And that will help how?

You’ll be crucifying him. It could tip him over the edge. The anathema for this man (As me) is to be ignored. He will be asking for the briefcase with the red button in it the whole time he’s here. Because he’ll be furious and itching to nuke the UK. Obviously not Scotland cos of his golf-course but possibly the wind-farm in the sight-line as a bonus.

Really?

I’m 100% sure. Of course it’ll never happen because so many people will feel that they should make a ‘statement’, which is all well and good but the mass demonstrations will have exactly the opposite effect to what they would like to achieve. This man will not feel ashamed or change his mind or behaviour. In fact, it’ll encourage and gratify him more than you can imagine.

You really think you are that in touch with him? Doesn’t that worry you?

Not really. You’re paying attention to me. I’m happy with that.

We see what you did there. But still hate you…

Perfect. You were listening then…  xxx

 

Life of Bryan. It’s all about the tea and biscuits.

Ummm, Carl?

Yes?

Shouldn’t it be Life of Brian?

Nope. I’ve been told without question that it’s Bryan with a Y.

OK, not sure we understand but undoubtedly you’ve got an explanation.

I do.

*Sigh* – So who is Bryan, with a Y?

He’s an employee of a friend. He does the gardening. Allegedly.

Why only allegedly?

I’m getting the feeling it’s only a job title. My friends garden isn’t going to be winning any awards soon or featured on a BBC lifestyle show.

Why is this any concern of yours?

It isn’t, but well, you know, he’s not young and needs the work and there’s all this concern about Windrush at the moment. It’s a hot topic.

OMG! Is he going to get deported because of working and living illegally?

Good question. He seems to be in the kitchen looking for tea and biscuits more than in the garden. Might be he’s staying out of sight of the authorities. Do you think it’s possible my friend might be unwittingly harbouring a fugitive?

Hopefully not. Poor souls, both of them. Is your friend West Indian as well?

As well as what?

Is she West Indian like Bryan? The spelling makes more sense now.

Bryan isn’t West Indian. He’s from Brighton.

Brighton is in Jamaica! He must be West Indian.

He’s from Brighton in East Sussex you dolt.

So why are you worried about him being deported?

I’m not worrying about him being deported! I’m visiting soon and just worried all the biscuits will be gone and there’ll be nowhere to sit in the garden now the weather’s turned nice. Seriously, I don’t know where your mind goes sometimes… Pfffttt, I need better readers and followers.

We hate you sometimes Carl.

Good.

Doesn’t respond well to criticism…

SpyKeyOne

What do you mean you don’t respond well to criticism Carl?

What! Are you saying I don’t communicate clearly enough?

No, no. I was just trying to expand the conversation.

So you’re saying I’m boring or stupid?

No! I was just trying to start a dialogue.

So you can’t accept my statement at face value? Are you saying I’m not providing enough information to keep your interest?

Not at all. I just wanted to get more information.

So you ARE saying I’m boring! Well, I’m so, so sorry I’m not interesting enough to keep your attention…. Bigot.

I’m not a bigot!

So now you’re saying I’M a bigot?

NO! Not at all. Please don’t get upset.

Well. It’s a bit late for that. I told you I don’t take criticism well…

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Things I’m no good at – Part 9 – not walking into people using mobile phones

Huh? Why on earth can you not walk into people using mobile phones Carl? Are you blind?

Yes, I’m totally blind. I’m writing this using speech to text. That’s why there are so many grammatical and spelling mistakes. That’s my excuse anyway.

But really, why do you walk into people using mobile phones?

Well, it’s not so much I walk into them but let them walk into me. It’s a new game I’ve invented. It’s great fun.

Does this new game have a name?

Absolutely, I’m going to copyright it. It’s called Totally Scare The Shit Out Of Teenagers Who Don’t Look Where They’re Going Because They’re Obsessed With Their Phone And Walk Into Someone Scary Who’s Much Bigger Than They Are.

Hmmm, catchy.

I like it. I’m thinking of making it into an app….