“Your dog would eat you…” And other cruel truths…

Hey Carl! Where you been?

Our dogs had puppies.

OK. Nothing to say about Covid or the US election, global warming or anything else topical?

Our dogs had puppies. Ten days ago. I’d hazard that’s reasonably topical?

Well, definitely for you but we thought you had a broader world view and opinions?

Always. But I can only talk/think about one thing at a time and at the moment I’m interested in dogs eating their owners.

You’re sick.

Uhhh. Hello, my name is Carl, have we not met before?

OK, We’ll bite. Why are you thinking about dogs eating their owners?

Because lots of the kids friends and their parents have been coming over to see the puppies (Socially distanced of course) and the ooh’ing and aah’ing has become a little ‘tiresome’ to me shall we say. Don’t get me wrong, I love cats and dogs and had many over the years and they were all delicious. But all I’m saying is that if you were to die alone at home and your pet couldn’t get out it would drink from the toilet and eat you.

Why on earth do you feel the need to say that?

Lock-down fatigue – That topical enough for you? Anyway, too fatigued to write anymore and got to go now anyway.

Why?

Dogs need feeding…

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Things I’m No Good At – Part 16 – Not writing a poem

“I don’t get it.”

How can you post a picture of your dog now?

I asked someone else to post it.

But there’s so much going on! Don’t you care?

About what?

BLM! LGBQT! All of it!

I suppose, but I don’t really get it.

You don’t get it? But don’t people matter?

Of course they do.

So, why don’t you say something?

They’re all the same to me.

All the same!!!???

Yes.

What’s so special about your bloody dog?

She’s my guide dog.

Things I’m No Good At – Part 15 – Not falling in bogs…

You’re no good at not falling in bogs Carl? Surely that’s a good thing?

No, it’s a bad thing. Learn your double negatives.

OK, we’ll try harder to understand your drivel.

Good, what I mean is that my posture is bad, my pockets are empty and I’m a bit depressed. If you were a 17th Century Norwegian then you’d understand what I’m talking about.

Huh?

The word ‘slump’ derives from ‘slumpe’ in Norwegian. ‘Slumpe’ means ‘to fall’. In the 17th Century the shortened version ‘slump’ came to mean ‘to fall in a bog’.

It’s becoming a little clearer, only a little mind. Are you slumping because the economy is in a slump and you’ve spent what little money you had on back braces and orthopedic treatments?

You’re almost right.

JUST TELL US WHAT YOU MEAN!

Well the economy and general situation made me depressed and slump which created my need to seek expensive treatments to rectify my posture.

And then?

I was trying to adjust my back brace in front of the mirror in the bathroom and then…

And then what?

I tripped and fell in the toilet.

*sigh*

Things I’m No Good At – Part 14 – Making a dignified exit…

What have you done now Carl?

I got a dog. And had an argument with my girlfriend. Who also has a dog.

And what does that have to with leaving in an undignified manner?

It’s a very long story.

We’ll put the kettle on, please continue….

I’m not sure you’d look good in a kettle but OK. SOoooo, I just got a new dog, Oscar, very cute and very young.

And this upset your girlfriend and her dog?

Oh no, they both love him too.

So what was the argument about?

Oh god, I can’t remember, I never do. A sex toy I think.

Your new dog ate your girlfriend’s vibrator?

For the sake of argument lets say yes. Anyway, what the argument was about is irrelevant. It’s what followed that has concerned me greatly.

You were mean to something? Someone?

Are you asking that because you know I’m a big, ill-tempered, intimidating, scary man?

Ummm, pretty much yes…

Well, you’re correct. But that’s not what’s concerning me.

That you scare people?

No. That’s one of my better traits. It’s what I did that is more worrying for everyone.

Colour me intrigued. What exactly did you do?

Well, we had words and I stormed out declaring that I was going to sleep in a different room until she became a different person etc. You know the drill.

And?

Halfway down the stairs something occurred to me and I had to storm back.

Why?

I’d forgotten about Oscar and had to go and scoop him up and storm out (again) but this time with him tucked under my arm like a little furry hand-bag.

That is a bit worrying…

Why?

You’re always going on about how important it is to accessorise. We’re not sure we can trust your fashion tips now….

I had a good last word though…

Which was?

“I’m leaving and I’m taking my dog with me…”

 

 

Things I’m no good at Part 13 -Messaging

? – We thought you were supposed to be a writer Carl?

I am a bloody writer you muppets…

So why are you no good at messaging?

Ahhh, I do understand why you may ask that….

And?

I, unfortunately, in the name of consistency and being a little bit OCD didn’t want to upset my run of ‘Things I’m No Good At’ series….

Are you avoiding answering the question?

Possibly, but I like to think I’m a good man and shall answer your question.

Good….

We’re waiting…..?

Oh, sorry. I’m taking a break from Instant Messaging and texting. It causes nothing but trouble. I’m very pedantic and slightly insane and it can annoy and frustrate me greatly to the point where I destroy things. I’m going to go old skool and just voice.

WHAT????? Only talk on the phone? Are you insane?

Didn’t I just say that?

Oh yeah. Sorry.

See, this is the problem with writing stuff. You people never actually read it….

Thongs I’m no good at Part 12 -Spelling ‘Thongs’

So, Carl, you’re no good at at spelling ‘things’? We thought you were supposed to be a writer? An author?

Why don’t you just go away? This is about seagulls… Illiterate idiots…

But you said ‘thongs’ in the title!!!! Twice! And that you couldn’t spell properly!!!

Ahhh, you do read that which I wrote?

We weren’t saying that.

I suspect you were. But that’s irrelevant. I wanted to talk about seagulls. Actually, that’s a lie, I wanted to talk about one particular seagull…

What’s it’s name?

Really?

Nah, just yanking your beak.

You’re dicing with death. Just like the seagull…

What is it with you and this ‘Seagull’?

Well, I have this ‘bird’ that won’t leave  me alone…

Are we meant to be impressed by this? Is this ‘bird’ really a female person?

Unfortunately not. I’m really not as good-looking as I tell people… It is actually a seagull. And it sits opposite my desk looking at me. And doesn’t even offer to make the coffee.

Does it prefer tea?

Seriously? I know where you live….

So, what’s with the ‘bird’?

Well, I’ve recently moved to the seaside and there are (unsurprisingly) a large number of seagulls around..

And?

One has taken a fancy to me.

What do you mean? This is all sounding a bit suspicious to be honest.

I mean it’s looking at me all the time.

Ummmm…. Quite frankly this isn’t coming across as good and/or healthy?

Ummmm… It’s me? Good and/or healthy aren’t adjectives usually associated with me.

Yes, you do have a point there.

So does the seagull. On the end of its beak.

Is there any point to all of this?

Not really. But you have to admit you read it this far?

True.

So what you squawking about?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things I’m no good at Part 11 – The understatement…

You Carl? No good at the understatement? We would never have suspected it!

I know! I have absolutely no idea why someone would accuse me of that! I prefer it be called ‘Poetic Licence’ – I am a best-selling author after all…

Hmmmm, Best-selling author? Isn’t that a bit of an over-statement?

Absolutely not! Poetic licence as I previously stated…

Ok, you do realise that some people may call it exaggeration at best and downright lying at worst…

I tend not to associate with those type of small-minded people…

Dear god. Is this why you talk to yourself online? Because you have no friends?

Of course not. I have absolutely MILLIONS of friends… And readers…

I’m pink therefore I’m spam…

Can’t be bothered to write anything new cos too busy sun-bathing but I am undeservedly proud of this old one I stumbled upon

SpyKeyOne

“Without Spam we wouldn’t have been able to feed our army”. – Nikita Khrushchev

Spam is ‘mixed-up’ canned meat consisting mainly of pork shoulder plus additives. Of course many people believe it to contain more unsavoury cuts such as snout. The truth of this is debatable.

Why are you spam?

Easy. I too am a little ‘mixed-up’ and you can never be quite sure what you’re going to get. I talk about aliens, pants and Post Offices for crying out loud!

Why are you pink?

Well, I’m a little embarrassed writing this very personal piece plus if someone else can be a ‘color’ then so can I. I’m pink and if you’ve got a problem with that I shall out you on Twitter.

Do you contain unsavoury body parts?

Of course I do! I also have a few on the outside. People tell me I have nice eyes though.

Do you come…

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The Querilous Condition of Dissonant Cognition

Sobriety Manifesto

So often, and I mean I swam in this fugue for years, I told myself I’d dry out. I’d be walking home through east Portland, down Hawthorne to the one bedroom place I shared with another actor. I’d tell myself I wouldn’t buy that beer. That one that I could already taste, that I could already feel trespassing my lips and rushing through my chest like the purifying slider that it had become. Yeah. That one.

Sometimes I’d make it through that gauntlet of brewpub after taproom, past Fred Meyer for the cheap stuff or New Seasons for something more precocious. If I took the bus all the way down the line, I knew if be in the clear. Not always, but if my conviction was true that night, that evening, that afternoon, I’d slip inside and settle in, take a proud sigh of relief, and begin the next cycle…

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Things I’m no good at – Part 10 – being stupid.

Pissing ourselves laughing! OMG Carl, that is the funniest (and least accurate) thing you’ve ever said! You are TOTALLY brilliant at being an idiot! You could give lessons!

Hilarious, give yourself a medal.

OK, We’ve picked ourselves off the floor now. Ooh, that hurts, our sides splitting… Is there a point to this?

Of course, you think I would let you off that easily?

Nope, there’s always more. We’ll forgive you this time just for cheering us up.

So, it’s occurred to me that people who think less are often happier.

What do you mean?

Well, say the only things you think or worry about is what you’re having for dinner, what was on TV last night, whether you can afford that 42″ HD TV etc.

And?

Well, isn’t that less stressful? To not watch the news, to not get involved in politics, to not really worry about the economy or environment, to not pay any attention to other peoples plights and lives wherever they are on the globe?

Hmmmm…. You’re trying to encourage us to be more stupid aren’t you?

Only if you want to be happier.

Would you be happier if we read your blog less?

I’d be ecstatic.  But I’d worry that you were happier then…. And that would annoy me.

But we like annoying you!

Go away and be more happy then.