Annoying, Commentary, Humor

Things I’m no good at – Part 8 – Not annoying police officers…

Oh dear god Carl. Why are you going around annoying police officers?

I’m sorry (Not really) – but it’s just too easy.

It’s too easy to annoy people who can arrest you and put you in a cell?

Yes, you see I used to work for the police in the finance department and I know full well that because it’s Feb\March they’re all having having to do overtime because their bosses need to spend their budgets before the new financial year. So the officers are happy getting the overtime pay but exhausted and cranky too.

So you think it’s a good idea to annoy them?

Absolutely. My standard operating procedure is to stare at them as they drive past then glance away and look as furtive as possible. It’s hilarious (for me).

And they stop and come and question you?

No, annoyingly, but I’ve found a work around.

And what pray tell is that?

I take off all my clothes and run down the street yelling I’m Santa.

And are you Santa? Albeit a naked one.

Sure, why not. If it makes you happy. (Weirdo)…

 

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Behaviour, Commentary, General Humor, Insomnia, Mania

Things I’m no good at – Part 7 – not smiling at people…

Sorry, what Carl? You’re apologising for smiling at people? Being nice?

Correct.

Why on earth should you have to say sorry for being nice?

Very good point. The thing is, I live in London, a huge metropolis of approximately 8.5 million people.

And you insist on smiling at all of them? You must be exhausted.

Not just that. When I’m experiencing hypomania I also, wait for it, talk to people too!

Well, we admire your ambition if nothing else.

Thank-you. However, there are some issues that can arise out of this happiness, exuberance and energetic behaviour. Apparently I’m a ‘pouncer’….

You sell short weights on things?

Idiot. No, I ‘pounce’ on people and insist on making them listen to me. Especially on buses.

Can’t that be dangerous in a big, violent city like London?

Nah. Only if it’s the driver. Then it can get messy…  😉

 

Commentary, Humor, Open Mic, Poetry

Bit rude but extremely funny. (Or maybe it’s just me)



SOoo, Ladies, Gentlemen and Undetermined (Let’s not get onto Jordan Peterson now though, I haven’t got the time or patience for an argument)

I was out at an Open Mic night recently and was fortunate to witness the first ever performance by a delightful young lady with refreshing honesty and absolutely no qualms about expressing her views on sex and relationships with men through the medium of potty-mouthed poetry. 😮

She’s kindly given me permission to reproduce one of her works here so it’s with great pleasure that I present for your enjoyment – India Gillett and ‘Mother Fucker’.

I straddled his waist.
He said ‘you’ve got your mum’s arse’,
As he grabbed a handful. 
He grinned… so I laughed. 

He was my childhood crush, 
So part of me was flattered 
And maybe he just said that thing
Because we were quite battered. 

No…

That was fucking weird! 
Did he think it would impress?
Is that what you say to a girl
You’re trying to undress?

At least he was honest…
Said he’s a grower not a show-er!
Not that it ever mattered
My hands never went lower.

I called it all off,
Said he felt like my brother.
Now when our families meet
I’m sure he flirts with my mother.

We still get along though, 
Our friendship’s not grown colder
And he’s got a girlfriend now…

She’s twenty years older.

*Huge Applause!!!

Bad habits, Blog, bright side of life, Commentary, General Humour, masturbation, sex

Things I’m no good at – Part 6 – Being ambisextrous…

Sorry, what? Don’t you mean ambidextrous? Losing your spelling skills there Carl?

No, not in the slightest. Apparently (according to my dinner guests) it’s a thing.

Are we going to regret asking this?

Asking what?

*Sigh* – Ok then, what does ‘ambisextrous’ mean? And what type of people do you invite to your dinner parties?

I thought you’d never ask. Well, they’re usually a combination of old friends and some new faces. Always charming, sometimes polite and almost always don’t suffer severe food poisoning afterwards.

Almost always?

That’s for another blog…

Great. However it’s the ‘ambisextrous’ bit we are more interested in…

Apparently it’s the word used to describe the ability to *ahem* masturbate using either of your hands.

I see. And is there any benefit to being able to do this? Is it like sitting on your hand until it goes numb then imagining it’s someone else?

I don’t believe so. I think it’s merely the word used to describe the ability. So I guess it would be useful if you were to lose the use of your dominant hand due to injury etc.

Ah, your using the word ‘dominant’ there is interesting. Is that perhaps something to do with it?

I don’t think so. That’s just you.

Is there any point to this discussion?

Not really. I just like the word and wanted to ‘get it out there’…

What else do you talk about at your dinner parties?

Ummm, the weather mostly. And cat-goosing.

Cat-goosing?

Topic for another day dear reader.

Sometimes, Carl, you’re a real ambisextrouser…

I know.

addiction, Annoyances, Bad habits, Blog, Commentary

Things I’m no good at – Part 5 – Resisting crack squirrels.

Carl… Carl… Carl…

Be careful. Just like Beetlejuice I may appear. What is it now?

That’s just what we were going to ask. Are squirrels on crack incredibly strong or persuasive?

Probably, to be fair I’ve never encountered one (yet) but in South London anything is possible…

So what is the deal with crack squirrels, or squirrels on crack?

Well, that’s more of a reference to a condition I suffer from.

You’re addicted to crack? Or squirrels? Or both?

That’s a separate issue but I do have a different (yet related) addiction problem.

This sounds interesting, maybe. Pray tell?

When people make random comments on social media I have an irresistible urge to immediately get on Google (Or any other search engine) and research or look up information on whatever it is that they have brought up. In this instance today it was obviously squirrels on crack.

And? Is that not a good thing? It shows you have an inquisitive and enquiring mind surely? Do you really see that as a problem?

In a way. You see, during my research into crack and squirrels, I discovered that these rodents where I live actually DO have a problem with crack addiction!

And your humanitarian and kindly, benevolent nature takes umbrage at this?

No. I am now firmly convinced that one of the little bastards stole my mobile phone in order to fund his/her habit. Because there’s no way a human could have gotten through the gap left in the window to do it…

Ah, now it makes (almost) some kind of sense. What are you going to do about it?

Isn’t it obvious? It’s a crime requiring the attention of the police. Squirrels live in trees. I’m going to call Special Branch of course…

Squirrel_crack

 

advertising, Anger, Annoyances, Beauty Products, Commentary

Things I’m no good at – Part 4 – Not shouting at adverts on the TV.

Oh dear Carl, what’s put a bee in your bonnet now?

Bloody advertisers. I swear to a higher power that marketing agencies must either employ morons or conversely just think that all the general public are morons.

Any advertisers in particular?

No, I’m quite fair in my hatred of all of them but L’Oreal really got my goat today.

We thought you’d given up on farming?

You know what I mean… There wasn’t an actual bloody goat involved. Although there was a tiger.

L’Oreal stole your tiger?

Oh my dear god. Do you work in advertising? No, L’Oreal have just started a new airing for a skin care product in which they say it contains extract from a plant fabled to be rubbed up against by tigers. Apparently it’s a big deal.

What does the product do?

It’s pertained to help your skin look younger.

Because of the tiger?

NO! That’s the thing that annoys me. The tiger has absolutely nothing to do with it!

So why do they mention it?

I don’t bloody know! I’ve stroked a lot of cats, does that mean I’m now immortal?

Are you a skin care product?

Obviously not. I’ve given a few people rashes though. Does that count?

Ewww….

Commentary

Is it in yet?

SpyKeyOne

Is it in yet?

Of course the four worst words any man wants to hear. 😉

Got me thinking though. (I hasten to mention, that was NOT said to me!)

In these days when tweets and texts are perhaps the primary method of communication (after speech) and we have to limit the amount of words/characters we use – what are the best/worst things we can hear or read that contain the fewest words?

Here’s a few of my suggestions…

You have 1/3/6 months to live

I love you

It’s not you, it’s me

That item is out of stock

You’ve got the job!

It’s a boy/girl!

It’s twins/triplets/sextuplets

I forgot your passport!

Happy Birthday!

We don’t have that size/color

We’re getting a puppy

I’m sorry about this but…

I’m pregnant

Bend over

We need to talk

I’m sorry

It’s too late

We’re out of toilet paper

Last orders please!

Wow…

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