OMG! You didn’t really say that did you Carl?
No. Of course not. But I am trying to make a point.
Uh oh. Is this going to be a rant?
It was. But I’m going to hold myself back. I’m getting so sick of all the misery on Facebook at the moment that I’m actually starting to hate my ‘Friends’. I nearly deleted my account last night and I’ve been on it since 2007.
What do you mean ‘misery’?
Well, maybe it’s the time of year, but why does every bit of misfortune that befalls anyone have to be put out there for all and sundry to take discomfort from? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unsympathetic but I’m starting to feel pressurised to ‘care’ about a lot of stuff when in fact I could give a shit.
Don’t read it then.
Ah! That good old stock answer. My reply – don’t write it. Keep personal stuff exactly that – personal. I’m very sorry that you’re dead, dying, diagnosed with something horrible or that your penis is a bit scabby but tell me in a PM please. *Sigh*. – Rant over. Got it out of my system.
What are you going to do now?
Check the updates on the ‘friends’ I don’t really like and see if anything nasty has happened to them. I know they’ll make a big deal of telling everyone and it’ll cheer me up.
Blank stares in Vegas
*Sigh* – Not another post about Vegas…
Yes, get over it. There may be a few. The States was a great source of fresh material and I have a burning desire to make your lives more miserable with it. Seeing it’s Xmas and all.
So what’s this one about?
I’m glad you asked. Well, when I got there I was looking forward to hearing all the “How’s it going today Sir?” and “You have a nice day.” and all that. It amused me. For a bit.
Then?
Well, I got a bit judgemental and started mental scoring people on the effort they put into their greeting and sincerity in the delivery and width and brightness of smile.
What were the results?
Bit variable. I reckon 40% really good (They were either drunk, high or just looking to make the day less dull) and then there were the other 60% – resentful, bored, uninterested and generally wishing they could do just about anything else (Like get drunk or high).
So what did you do?
I tried to cheer them up by being cheery, enthusiastic and effusive in my thanks.
How did that work out?
An awful lot of blank stares. Once threatened with security being called. There was one exception though – Vanessa.
Who’s Vanessa?
The girl who checked me in at the hotel. The second person I spoke to since arriving in Las Vegas.
That’s nice. She appreciated your humour then?
Unsurprisingly yes. She was English and came from Crystal Palace in London. A mile away from where I live….
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That is NOT an ‘effing Margarita…
Oh dear Carl. What happened?
Well. *DEEP SIGH* I was out in Las Vegas being taken for dinner by friends last week…
And?
Well. We were seated and the waitress naturally asked us if we would like drinks. I spied two ladies drinking from cocktail glasses with white crystals around the rim and the light bulb switched on in my mouth.
Ah, you thought they were drinking Margaritas?
Yes. My all-time favourite cocktail. My number one each and every time. Drunk them all over the world.
So?
I ordered one.
And?
I got a snow-cone.
Ah… Did you make her cry?
Not at first. I asked her WTF it was. She dutifully replied it was a Margarita.
Hmmm… What did you say?
It took me a few seconds to think of a response. I finally came up the witty response “No the **** it isn’t. Margaritas don’t have ice in them and they certainly don’t come in half-pint glasses. They come in glasses like that!”, pointing at the empty conical glasses on the other table.
“Oh no Sir, they’re for Daiquiris…”
At this point I began to cry and ordered beer instead. It arrived in a soup bowl…
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Las Vegas scared the crap out of me…
What? Carl, we thought you were some kind of tough guy…
I am. But two weeks in a casino/hotel/spa taught me some things about American plumbing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very clean and does the job but…
I’m intrigued now. But what?
The toilets flush themselves! And they have suction on them that puts an aeroplane loo or black hole to shame.
Surely that’s good though? Get rid of it once and for all as soon as possible?
You’d think, but when you’re sitting there trying to relax and not expecting it, the sudden flush and rush of wind can be a little ‘disconcerting’ shall we say? – Good job I was in the right place… 😉 (Pun intended)
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Morbidly Obese Cock Womble
Ok Carl… You’ve certainly come up with interesting things before (Sometimes) but this one is definitely raising the bar…
Well, do you share a property with someone who is, let us say, a little unpredictable on occasion?
Nope. We come to you for the crazy…
Ah. Good for you. I’m very happy knowing your life is ‘normal’.
So, tell us, what is a morbidly obese cock womble?
Have you ever woken in the morning to find offensive graffiti on your front door and a sad attempt to stick it shut with duct tape? – Because apparently it’s, and I quote, ‘Funny’?
Can’t say I have.
Well, welcome to my life. Being the calm natured person I am it was only reasonable (In my opinion) to break into his flat, steal his permanent marker and return the ‘favour’. That too is funny IMHO….
Hence – Morbidly Obese Cock Womble every time he sticks the key in the door…
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Smexper’s Only…
Simply can’t be bothered to write anything new today…
Are you an adult?
The Oxford English Dictionary defines adult as –
A person who is fully grown or developed.
Now I have issues with this. I can concede that I’m fully grown. I.e. I’m not likely to grow any more, in fact I think I’m shrinking (except for my ears). But fully developed?
I don’t think so.
If I were then surely I wouldn’t need to spell-check everything? How come I still play stupid, possibly harmful pranks? Why don’t I have all the answers?
I think we need a new word.
How about smexper?
Sufficiently More EXperienced PERson.
It could work –
A child must be accompanied by an smexper.
Smexper material
Smexper’s only.
I like it. It fulfills the requirements of the meaning of adult yet is not definitive. There is room for adjusting the terms of ‘sufficiently more experienced’ without the catch-all broadness…
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Quicksand…
Forgot I wrote this ages ago. Seems kinda appropriate with all the stuff being defecated in the States at the moment because of the election…
*Sigh* You’re going to get all political again aren’t you?
No. Not really.
So, what about quicksand?
Well. We’re all up to our necks in it aren’t we?
I’m not.
Are you sure? You use the internet don’t you?
Well obviously. I wouldn’t be reading this piece of crap if I wasn’t.
Ah. But therein lies the rub. That’s Shakespeare by the way.
I know that!
Good. Well seeing you know that, how come you don’t know you’re drowning in quicksand?
What blooming quicksand? I’m sitting on my sofa at home!
The quicksand on your screen that’s sucking you in and drowning you in lies, disinformation, unwanted/unneeded opinions about everything and just general, well let’s face it, crap.
Ah. I see where you’re coming from now.
Good. So you going to turn it off now?
Don’t be stupid…..
