Life of Bryan. It’s all about the tea and biscuits.

Ummm, Carl?

Yes?

Shouldn’t it be Life of Brian?

Nope. I’ve been told without question that it’s Bryan with a Y.

OK, not sure we understand but undoubtedly you’ve got an explanation.

I do.

*Sigh* – So who is Bryan, with a Y?

He’s an employee of a friend. He does the gardening. Allegedly.

Why only allegedly?

I’m getting the feeling it’s only a job title. My friends garden isn’t going to be winning any awards soon or featured on a BBC lifestyle show.

Why is this any concern of yours?

It isn’t, but well, you know, he’s not young and needs the work and there’s all this concern about Windrush at the moment. It’s a hot topic.

OMG! Is he going to get deported because of working and living illegally?

Good question. He seems to be in the kitchen looking for tea and biscuits more than in the garden. Might be he’s staying out of sight of the authorities. Do you think it’s possible my friend might be unwittingly harbouring a fugitive?

Hopefully not. Poor souls, both of them. Is your friend West Indian as well?

As well as what?

Is she West Indian like Bryan? The spelling makes more sense now.

Bryan isn’t West Indian. He’s from Brighton.

Brighton is in Jamaica! He must be West Indian.

He’s from Brighton in East Sussex you dolt.

So why are you worried about him being deported?

I’m not worrying about him being deported! I’m visiting soon and just worried all the biscuits will be gone and there’ll be nowhere to sit in the garden now the weather’s turned nice. Seriously, I don’t know where your mind goes sometimes… Pfffttt, I need better readers and followers.

We hate you sometimes Carl.

Good.

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Doesn’t respond well to criticism…

SpyKeyOne

What do you mean you don’t respond well to criticism Carl?

What! Are you saying I don’t communicate clearly enough?

No, no. I was just trying to expand the conversation.

So you’re saying I’m boring or stupid?

No! I was just trying to start a dialogue.

So you can’t accept my statement at face value? Are you saying I’m not providing enough information to keep your interest?

Not at all. I just wanted to get more information.

So you ARE saying I’m boring! Well, I’m so, so sorry I’m not interesting enough to keep your attention…. Bigot.

I’m not a bigot!

So now you’re saying I’M a bigot?

NO! Not at all. Please don’t get upset.

Well. It’s a bit late for that. I told you I don’t take criticism well…

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Things I’m no good at – Part 9 – not walking into people using mobile phones

Huh? Why on earth can you not walk into people using mobile phones Carl? Are you blind?

Yes, I’m totally blind. I’m writing this using speech to text. That’s why there are so many grammatical and spelling mistakes. That’s my excuse anyway.

But really, why do you walk into people using mobile phones?

Well, it’s not so much I walk into them but let them walk into me. It’s a new game I’ve invented. It’s great fun.

Does this new game have a name?

Absolutely, I’m going to copyright it. It’s called Totally Scare The Shit Out Of Teenagers Who Don’t Look Where They’re Going Because They’re Obsessed With Their Phone And Walk Into Someone Scary Who’s Much Bigger Than They Are.

Hmmm, catchy.

I like it. I’m thinking of making it into an app….

Things I’m no good at – Part 8 – Not annoying police officers…

Oh dear god Carl. Why are you going around annoying police officers?

I’m sorry (Not really) – but it’s just too easy.

It’s too easy to annoy people who can arrest you and put you in a cell?

Yes, you see I used to work for the police in the finance department and I know full well that because it’s Feb\March they’re all having having to do overtime because their bosses need to spend their budgets before the new financial year. So the officers are happy getting the overtime pay but exhausted and cranky too.

So you think it’s a good idea to annoy them?

Absolutely. My standard operating procedure is to stare at them as they drive past then glance away and look as furtive as possible. It’s hilarious (for me).

And they stop and come and question you?

No, annoyingly, but I’ve found a work around.

And what pray tell is that?

I take off all my clothes and run down the street yelling I’m Santa.

And are you Santa? Albeit a naked one.

Sure, why not. If it makes you happy. (Weirdo)…

 

Things I’m no good at – Part 7 – not smiling at people…

Sorry, what Carl? You’re apologising for smiling at people? Being nice?

Correct.

Why on earth should you have to say sorry for being nice?

Very good point. The thing is, I live in London, a huge metropolis of approximately 8.5 million people.

And you insist on smiling at all of them? You must be exhausted.

Not just that. When I’m experiencing hypomania I also, wait for it, talk to people too!

Well, we admire your ambition if nothing else.

Thank-you. However, there are some issues that can arise out of this happiness, exuberance and energetic behaviour. Apparently I’m a ‘pouncer’….

You sell short weights on things?

Idiot. No, I ‘pounce’ on people and insist on making them listen to me. Especially on buses.

Can’t that be dangerous in a big, violent city like London?

Nah. Only if it’s the driver. Then it can get messy…  😉

 

Bit rude but extremely funny. (Or maybe it’s just me)

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SOoo, Ladies, Gentlemen and Undetermined (Let’s not get onto Jordan Peterson now though, I haven’t got the time or patience for an argument)

I was out at an Open Mic night recently and was fortunate to witness the first ever performance by a delightful young lady with refreshing honesty and absolutely no qualms about expressing her views on sex and relationships with men through the medium of potty-mouthed poetry. 😮

She’s kindly given me permission to reproduce one of her works here so it’s with great pleasure that I present for your enjoyment – India Gillett and ‘Mother Fucker’.

I straddled his waist.
He said ‘you’ve got your mum’s arse’,
As he grabbed a handful. 
He grinned… so I laughed. 

He was my childhood crush, 
So part of me was flattered 
And maybe he just said that thing
Because we were quite battered. 

No…

That was fucking weird! 
Did he think it would impress?
Is that what you say to a girl
You’re trying to undress?

At least he was honest…
Said he’s a grower not a show-er!
Not that it ever mattered
My hands never went lower.

I called it all off,
Said he felt like my brother.
Now when our families meet
I’m sure he flirts with my mother.

We still get along though, 
Our friendship’s not grown colder
And he’s got a girlfriend now…

She’s twenty years older.

*Huge Applause!!!

Things I’m no good at – Part 6 – Being ambisextrous…

Sorry, what? Don’t you mean ambidextrous? Losing your spelling skills there Carl?

No, not in the slightest. Apparently (according to my dinner guests) it’s a thing.

Are we going to regret asking this?

Asking what?

*Sigh* – Ok then, what does ‘ambisextrous’ mean? And what type of people do you invite to your dinner parties?

I thought you’d never ask. Well, they’re usually a combination of old friends and some new faces. Always charming, sometimes polite and almost always don’t suffer severe food poisoning afterwards.

Almost always?

That’s for another blog…

Great. However it’s the ‘ambisextrous’ bit we are more interested in…

Apparently it’s the word used to describe the ability to *ahem* masturbate using either of your hands.

I see. And is there any benefit to being able to do this? Is it like sitting on your hand until it goes numb then imagining it’s someone else?

I don’t believe so. I think it’s merely the word used to describe the ability. So I guess it would be useful if you were to lose the use of your dominant hand due to injury etc.

Ah, your using the word ‘dominant’ there is interesting. Is that perhaps something to do with it?

I don’t think so. That’s just you.

Is there any point to this discussion?

Not really. I just like the word and wanted to ‘get it out there’…

What else do you talk about at your dinner parties?

Ummm, the weather mostly. And cat-goosing.

Cat-goosing?

Topic for another day dear reader.

Sometimes, Carl, you’re a real ambisextrouser…

I know.