EUPD, Invisible Illness, Mania, Mental Health, Undiagnosed Illness

What’s it REALLY like to be mental?

Now of course I can’t comment on all mental illnesses, only my own.

Madness need not be all breakdown. It may also be break-through. It is potential liberation and renewal as well as enslavement and existential death.

I have a diagnosis (finally) of EUPD which stands for Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. This condition is also aligned with BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder.

So what do these terms mean? They’re really a bit of a cop-out as each condition can and does contain elements of lots of other illnesses including Bi Polar and schizophrenia.

Common words you’ll hear are depression, recklessness, mania, suicidal tendencies, paranoia, rage, emptiness, loneliness, boredom – the list goes on and on.

But what’s it REALLY like? I hear you ask…

At times it’s exhilarating (mania) but the majority of the time it’s lonely, frustrating and above all boring.

You have to be on your guard constantly, because you’re not in control of your emotions or behaviour it is all too easy to let the “beast” out of the cage and that’s when at best you alienate family, colleagues or friends and at worst you find yourself in a police cell.

Some of you may have noticed that I use a picture of The Hulk in my header. The analogy is quite obvious.

I feel that everyone has a Hulk inside, and each of our Hulks is both scary and, potentially, pleasurable. That’s the scariest thing about them.

A lot of my waking time is spent “Not” letting my personal Hulk out – this blog is one of the methods I use to try to achieve this.
Work and relationships can be tricky. I’m not even thinking about returning to work at the moment – I’m just too volatile. And my personal relationship is on rocky ground to put it mildly.
I’m pinning my hopes on medication at the moment to try to stabilise my condition. I have aspirations to try to achieve something in a creative field where I can basically “get away” with being able to say and do as I like without fear of rocking the boat with others around me.
I did forget to mention one thing about what it’s like to be “mental” – it can be fun too!
Depression, EUPD, General Humour, Invisible Illness, Mania, Mental Health, My Present, Undiagnosed Illness

The Irishman said…

The  Police said…

When the world is running down
You make the best of what’s still around
When the world is running down
You make the best of what’s still around
When I feel lonely here, don’t waste my time with tears

Maximo Park said…

What’s my view? Well, how am I supposed to know?
Write a review? Well, how objective can I be?

I’d like to wait to see how things turn out
If you apply some pressure
I like to wait to see how things turn out
If you apply some pressure!

What happens when you lose everything?
You just start again
You start all over again

How much pressure can I take? How many times can I lose everything? How many times can I start again? How much more can I make the best of what’s still around?

Don’t worry people, this isn’t a pre-suicide rant – these are the type of songs that vitalize me.

Music is one of the things that keep me going – I forget to listen far too often though….

One day I’ll break and tell you everything about my life and what I’ve lost and gained, until then I’ll stick with humour and tell you my “cow” joke (I know a number of you liked the “camel” joke…)

There’s three scientists; an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman…

Desperate for new funding money and gaining tenure they sit down drunkenly one night to discuss new research options.

One bright spark, (I shan’t say which) said – “Why don’t we stick a cork up the arse of a cow and see what happens?”    

They all agree this is a great idea and the next day obtain a cow, a cork and a field to keep it in – using university funds of course….   

After sticking the cow in the field (and the cork up its arse) they go off (to the pub) to celebrate their “award-winning” project….              

After a month of “celebrating” – they finally remember about their experiment and go to check on their cow….

OMG! – This thing is the size of a house! Shocked, the three “geniuses” discuss the possibilities…

“It could all be meat!” says one – “We could have solved world hunger!”

“It could have just turned to fat!” says another – “We could make a fortune from the cosmetics industry?”

“OR” – says the other – “It COULD all just be shit…”

“Hmmmm” – they all look at one another – “Who’s going to take the cork out?” 

The three look at each other, have another drink, and reach a decision – “We’ll train a monkey to take the cork out…”

Decision duly reached, they toast each other and go off to find and train a monkey….

Two months later they’re ready… The “Cow” is now the size of a small block of flats….

The Englishman  decides that it’s best if he sits 50 meters away behind a wall measuring the results with precise scientific instruments (binoculars)….

The Scotsman (already believing that the “cow” is now 90% meat and he’s going to be a wealthy man) decides to stand 25 meters away…

The Irishman is left to hold the lead of the monkey….  

The big moment arrives… 

The (decidedly nervous) monkey creeps up the 20mtr height to the cork….

The Irishman glances nervously back at the Scotsman who repeats the gesture back to the English scientist… Approval is given – the cork is pulled out… 

The English scientist is blown off his feet by a powerful jet of shit…

“OMG” – the Scotsman! – he pluckily begins to wade through the Tsunami of excreta still jetting from the cow…

25 metres he finds the Scotsman floating on a river of excreta – he drags him to his feet and as they wipe the shit from each others eyes they suddenly realise their friend the Irishman is unaccounted for!

They wade towards the now rapidly deflating cow though a veritable sea of shit.

At their friends approximately last known position (there was no black box) all they  can see is a Tam O’Shanter and a stream of bubbles…

They take deep breaths and dive down, grasping frantically – they find him and drag him to the surface….

The Irish scientist is alive and laughing uncontrollably….

“My god man, what could possibly be funny? We just nearly all died!”

The Irishman gets his breath….

“You should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in!”



Sleeping With Nurses…

Just discovered how to change my text colours (Doh!)


“Nurse Knows Best”

Color Key

Black = Male Nurse Speaking

Red = Me Thinking

Blue = Me Speaking

White Space = Male Nurse Thinking


  • (Nurse) 4:10am “How are you sleeping?” WTF? It’s 4:10!
  • “I’m having bad dreams, I can’t sleep”
  • 4:11am“Have you tried having a good dream to chase the bad ones away?”SERIOUSLY?> WTF?
  • 4:20am“You shouldn’t be awake, it’s not good for you. Try to sleep.”
  • “My meds cause insomnia. Can you give me something to help knock me out?”
  • “No, there’s nothing prescribed and the doctor is busy.”
  • 4.30amTry having a hot shower to relax yourself” (he winks)
  • SERIOUSLY? > You’re telling me to have a wank? WTF?
  • 4:36am “Have you tried relaxing?” (Winks again)
  • WTF? What is it with you and wanking?
  • 4:39am “You should try lying on your bed, closing your eyes, breathe deeply and slowly and…

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Depression, EUPD, General Humour, Hospital, Invisible Illness, Mania, Mental Health, My Future, Undiagnosed Illness

Only 8 more sleeps ’til….

I see my psychiatrist again…

Is that a bizarre thing to be excited about?

The last time I was in Mental Hospital, there was an old chap called Steven. Steven had advanced dementia and got excited about lots of things – pressing alarm buttons, dropping his pants, spelling out signs and counting any numbers printed anywhere.

I actually envied him…

It was my birthday earlier this month – couldn’t have cared less (to be honest I wasn’t expecting to see it anyway)

Same with Christmas and New Year – these “dates” mean nothing to me. I just can’t get excited about anniversaries of any nature.

Oh how I  miss “excitement” – how nice it would be to wake up with a spring in my step?

I think it may be starting to come back though.

I just wish I knew why, then I could take steps to ensure it increases and stays.

So why am I excited about seeing my psychiatrist? In the absence of any light at the end of my tunnel of despair, I’m hoping that there’s some change in medication that he can prescribe to make my world a little brighter and make me a bit more Dylan or ZeBaDee and a little less Brian

Dylan: Chill out guys, I’ve got something stashed that just might help.

Brian: Dylan, we don’t have time to indulge in recreational activities…

ZeBadDee: Today, one soldier, tomorrow, the world! And then perhaps… three more soldiers!


Depression, EUPD, General Humour, Intimacy, Invisible Illness, Mania, Mental Health, Undiagnosed Illness

Why I think everyone on Facebook is….






Sorry people, a little bit of my “pizzaz” seems to be coming back and I found myself wondering how many people would view this blog if I threw a provocative title in the mix?

For those of you that don’t blog, you get constantly updated stats on how many people have viewed, liked or follow your writings.

As a writer, this is irresistible to watch and the results a=can energise you or throw you into the depths of despair.

Comparatively speaking, it’s a little like seeing whether your status updates on Facebook get comments or likes or if it gets no response whatsoever (and what a bummer is that!?!)

Part of my condition means I crave attention – I try my hardest (most of the time) – to try and deserve it.

Some people have criticised me for not making my pieces long enough – that’s why I try to do at least two a day. I quite often finding myself running out of steam or if feeling “down”, heading into misery and self-pity. That’s not what I want to acheive, I want to provoke, emote and above all entertain and amuse.

Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else. – Mark Twain

Please accept my apologies if you feel I’ve tricked you into reading this – actually don’t – just keep reading – there’s some good stuff coming.

Love, Carl xxx

Depression, EUPD, General Humour, Invisible Illness, Mania, Mental Health, My Present, Undiagnosed Illness

If only life were like Porridge…

Porridge is funny – the TV programme – not the cereal.

Fletcher and Godber are funny – despite their desperate situation there are always humourous moments…

Fletch: One can’t help noticing a change in your old lady’s attitude of late.

Barrowclough: How can you tell that?

Fletch: Oh, little things, like the certain smile that plays around your lips when you’re telling us to slop out.

Barrowclough: What sort of smile?

Fletch: The smile of a man who’s getting his oats!

Sorry – obviously getting too much into my theme for today….

Mental Health Illness is a lot like prison – you feel helpless, your freedom is restricted (by the walls of your mind, not physical ones). At least in prison you can resent the guards, your fellow inmates, your restriction of rights and privileges etc.

With mental illness the only thing you can resent is yourself….

As like prison, mental illness is also a waiting game. You’re counting the days, waiting for the right medication, the right doctor, the right insight that will change your life – waiting for the doors to be opened and your freedom returned to you.

It can be a long wait and each day that passes just waiting feels like a day wasted….

I struggle with writing this blog every day as I’m not in a “manic” phase at the moment, I’m in a depressive state. However I persevere as I’m hoping something creative and interesting and successful will come out of it eventually…

Barrowclough: You’re writing a book?

Fletch: Yeah – a sort of inside guide to prison life. But don’t worry, I’ve not overlooked your boys in blue – I will be dealing just as much with your issues as those of our fellow felons.

Barrowclough: Oh, good. And what are you going to call this book?

Fletch: Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down.


Depression, EUPD, Invisible Illness, Mania, Mental Health, Undiagnosed Illness

Where does the brilliance go?

Living with a mental illness that affects your moods without warning is above all things frustrating.

One minute you can be filled with hope, insight, enthusiasm, creativity and all things bright and energetic. You can be a literal powerhouse.

The next minute/day/hour – nothing, emptiness…. a total void of emotion, energy and feeling…

The dark thoughts start coming back – “Why bother?” “What’s the point of me?” “Why can’t I create or do anything of value?”

And then the anger returns – you can snap at the slghtest thing. (and I often do)

My only hope now is that a change or increase in medication will help restore my mind back to where it was a couple of weeks ago but I have to wait another week now until I can see my doctor.

I was determined that this blog wouldn’t and shouldn’t be about depression and all things dark and horrible – I hsall try and think of something witty and amusing to write later….