Today is my birthday and I was going to have a party but an imminent operation to remove another messed up bit of my body has kicked that into touch.
Not that bothered to be totally honest – it’s not a zero or a five. 47 is in my mind a bit of a peculiar age – neither here not there – just can’t get excited about it.
Again, being totally honest (and depressing) I tried very hard earlier this year (twice) to ensure I was never actually going to see this day.
I no longer feel that way, or rather the compulsion to kill myself no longer overwhelms me when I least expect it.
That’s a major problem with EUPD – suicide attempts aren’t pre-meditated. A compulsion literally sweeps over you like an unexpected thunderstorm – a huge “black” cloud.
There’s no triggers, no need to leave a note or justify your actions – you literally just HAVE to kill yourself, as quickly as possible, and for no reason…
Anyway, I’m no longer getting those compulsions which is a great thing. My depression has been replaced by mania and creativity (including this blog) – I have rediscovered my loves of music and writing.
I have also rediscovered my love of avocados….