EUPD, Invisible Illness, Mania, Mental Health, Undiagnosed Illness

What’s it REALLY like to be mental?

Now of course I can’t comment on all mental illnesses, only my own.

Madness need not be all breakdown. It may also be break-through. It is potential liberation and renewal as well as enslavement and existential death.

I have a diagnosis (finally) of EUPD which stands for Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. This condition is also aligned with BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder.

So what do these terms mean? They’re really a bit of a cop-out as each condition can and does contain elements of lots of other illnesses including Bi Polar and schizophrenia.

Common words you’ll hear are depression, recklessness, mania, suicidal tendencies, paranoia, rage, emptiness, loneliness, boredom – the list goes on and on.

But what’s it REALLY like? I hear you ask…

At times it’s exhilarating (mania) but the majority of the time it’s lonely, frustrating and above all boring.

You have to be on your guard constantly, because you’re not in control of your emotions or behaviour it is all too easy to let the “beast” out of the cage and that’s when at best you alienate family, colleagues or friends and at worst you find yourself in a police cell.

Some of you may have noticed that I use a picture of The Hulk in my header. The analogy is quite obvious.

I feel that everyone has a Hulk inside, and each of our Hulks is both scary and, potentially, pleasurable. That’s the scariest thing about them.

A lot of my waking time is spent “Not” letting my personal Hulk out – this blog is one of the methods I use to try to achieve this.
Work and relationships can be tricky. I’m not even thinking about returning to work at the moment – I’m just too volatile. And my personal relationship is on rocky ground to put it mildly.
I’m pinning my hopes on medication at the moment to try to stabilise my condition. I have aspirations to try to achieve something in a creative field where I can basically “get away” with being able to say and do as I like without fear of rocking the boat with others around me.
I did forget to mention one thing about what it’s like to be “mental” – it can be fun too!

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