Depression, EUPD, Hospital, Invisible Illness, Mental Health

Trying to be back.

Hi Everyone,

I haven’t blogged for the past week because I’ve been going through a “difficult” patch with my EUPD and spent some time in hospital.

I especially apologise to those of you who have been waiting for the conclusion of “I’m going to kill him…” – the ending will be coming and it won’t be what you’re expecting…

Soooo, at the moment I’m trying to cope with changes in medication and some difficult changes in moods and ability to deal with life. I’m hoping desperately that soon I’ll be back to some kind of “normality” and be able to resume with my writing and blogging.

Carl. xxx

Depression, fiction, Invisible Illness, Mania, Mental Health, My Present, sociopath, Undiagnosed Illness

Words as medication….

I want to rage, I want to fury,

Today is the day when havoc gets to play,

“Huh” – poetry you say, but the beast is free

And he’s going to let you see,

What happens when the shackles loosen,

When sense and reason are forgotten,

“You should have listened!” the monster crys,

“No words will matter, the man has died”

This short verse is an alternative to smashing things. Living with EUPD, you never know when an uncontrollable tide of rage, frustration and violence may overcome you. I feel that way now and this is my opportunity to vocalise and exorcise before doing something stupid and regrettable….

Depression, EUPD, fiction, Invisible Illness, Mental Health, My Past, sociopath, Undiagnosed Illness

Just “snap” out of it….

“Why….?” he gasps in disbelief; eyes staring wildly at the hilt of the carving knife protruding rudely from his chest.

Staggering backwards he hits the kitchen wall and slowly slides down to the floor. His legs stick out straight on the black & white spotless tiled floor.

Eyes still open wide, shocked, he takes a gulp of whisky from the cut-crystal tumbler that amazingly has remained clutched in his fist even as 8 inches of stainless steel slid effortlessly into his body.

Rich red blood oozes from the wound and runs down to collect first in a pool in his navel before overflowing and continuing its journey downwards to stain and soak the top of his faded Levis….

“You just wouldn’t snap out of it” says his attacker.

It takes a moment but then he realises that the words just came out of his own mouth….

These are the kind of thoughts that run through your head when you’re in the grip of paralysing depression. Ways that you might die, end it all – escape from the hell that exists inside your own head – the one place you cannot escape from….

This originally started life at the beginning of 2011 as a short story, it may continue as such. I didn’t get to see my psychiatrist today, the receptionists gave me the wrong appointment time last week, 11 instead of 10 – if only it had been the other way around?

I need to see him desperately. I suspect though that in my head I’m building him up to Wizard of Oz proportions and hoping that he’ll give me a heart, a brain AND some courage.

Depression, EUPD, General Humour, Invisible Illness, My Present, Undiagnosed Illness

Glastonbury isn’t for everyone….

I just spent a lovely Bank Holiday weekend with some dear friends who have a lovely house in Glastonbury. I was treated with HUGE consideration, hospitality and generosity.

Believe it or not, Glastonbury IS actually full of bloody hippies! Walking around the town centre by myself on May Day I never felt so alone or alien. Part of it’s my mood (obviously still feeling depressed) and part of it is just OMG….. 😉 talk about a time-warp or maybe I’m just getting old and jaded….

Perhaps Glastonbury has to be experienced with company to get the full experience… but I found it a bit of a parody of itself.

Or maybe I’m the one in danger of becoming a parody of myself? – Hmmmm – bit deep….

I love alternative cultures (and have been a part of quite a few over the years) but I think Glastonbury has its “true” heart of the people who embrace its beauty, freedom etc. and then there’s those who use its reputation for financial gain…

The town centre felt a tad like Camden Market in the 90’s….

Anyhoos, the weekend left me shattered so that’s it for now. Love & Peace to all man… xxxx

Depression, EUPD, Invisible Illness, Mania, Mental Health, Undiagnosed Illness

Insomnia strikes again….

I wouldn’t mind so much this time except I’m depressed not manic and staring at the wall is just not that much fun and TV and film and books seem to have lost all attraction too.

I live with my partner so have to keep quiet too so can’t even pick up a guitar and play the blues….. 😦

I think I desperately need a “man-cave” but our 1-bed flat unfortunately can’t accommodate that…

Again trying not to be sad in public.

Some good news! I’m going away tonight to spend the weekend with one of my best friends in his new house in Glastonbury! We have a plan for the weekend and that is to play guitars, drums and keyboards and drink lots of beer. It’s a plan, Stan.

I’m hoping we may make some progress on my musical. – I have about three song structures so far and a cast list which I shall be detailing in following posts.