I’m pink therefore I’m spam…

“Without Spam we wouldn’t have been able to feed our army”. – Nikita Khrushchev

Spam is ‘mixed-up’ canned meat consisting mainly of pork shoulder plus additives. Of course many people believe it to contain more unsavoury cuts such as snout. The truth of this is debatable.

Why are you spam?

Easy. I too am a little ‘mixed-up’ and you can never be quite sure what you’re going to get. I talk about aliens, pants and Post Offices for crying out loud!

Why are you pink?

Well, I’m a little embarrassed writing this very personal piece plus if someone else can be a ‘color’ then so can I. I’m pink and if you’ve got a problem with that I shall out you on Twitter.

Do you contain unsavoury body parts?

Of course I do! I also have a few on the outside. People tell me I have nice eyes though.

Do you come in a can?

I could but I prefer to use a tissue.

Are you an urban legend and often appear in pop culture?

Respectively, no and I would like to but haven’t yet.

Will a comedy musical be based on you?

I would hope so and have started writing one in case I can find backers.

Who would star in it?

Well not me because my singing ability is questionable but I would like to do a guest cameo. Miley Cyrus would be my first choice for playing me with David Cameron a close second.

Have you ever cut your finger trying to open yourself?

Too many times to mention.

Have you ever been spammed?

Every day but I object to that term. I prefer ‘unsolicited marketing material’.

Why do you talk all this crap?

A team of experts is working on that as we speak.

Will you ever stop?

The public pressure to stop is large and growing but I’m hoping not to get battered. (sic)