Blogging, Blogs, Mental Health, Musings, Writing

A Journey With You…

She looked in the mirror.

“Who the hell are you?” she asked.

“I’m you of course! Who else would I be?” the mirror replied.

“I don’t think so. I know who I am and it isn’t you.”

“Well if I’m not you then who am I?” The mirror looked annoyed.

“Well, for starters, you’re very rude. I came in here to see me and here you are intruding on my personal space.”

The mirror looked a little sad. “I think you should take it as a compliment. I like you and think you’re very pretty. I just wanted to see you.”

“Well now you’ve seen me you should go away and let myself see me.”

Now the mirror looked offended. “Well if you’re going to be that way then I shall leave. Perhaps I’ll go and have a cup of tea.”

She agreed. “Actually that sounds nice. Perhaps I’ll join you.”

The mirror smiled. “That’s great. Let’s do that. I’ll have milk, no sugar please.”

They left together.

Awkward Situations, Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Humor

Jog on…

What is it with jogging all of a sudden?

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m all in favor of exercise. It’s good for the body and mind and it’s about time a lot of people did more physical activity and ate less pies.

I’m not a jogger, I can’t run for a number of reasons but I can swim and do other sports/training. (I don’t do a lot mind you but the important thing is that I can and intend to do more)

BUT! – Bloody joggers!

They’re a menace.

My biggest bugbear used to be people, especially kids, cycling on the pavement. Rude, illegal and dangerous.

But the joggers have overtaken them (Sometimes literally)

They’ve propagated like rabbits! They are bloody everywhere!

And apparently the sidewalks now belong solely to them.

They run past, brush you aside, don’t say sorry, expect you to get out of their way and splatter you with droplets of sweat. All totally oblivious because they’re in the ‘zone’. Listening to their bloody iPods and checking their heart rate on their bloody iWatches.

They’re a blooming nuisance.

I wish they’d jog off.

Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Humor, Musings

Today it’s snakes…

As regular readers will know, I have often mentioned a variety of animals/pets.

Frogs, snails, the ubiquitous cats, dogs and oh yeah, snails. Again. I like snails.

And garlic.

Today it’s snakes.

Why Carl! – WHY?

Cos you might find it funny…

Now I used to have a flat-mate *name withheld* who had a snake called Grubby. Don’t ask me why. But it did shit on my bed a few times so it wasn’t an inappropriate name IMHO.

What type of snake was it?

Can’t remember. A yellow one.

Great fun. Ate live mice. Not horrible, just nature. But really quite interesting to watch. I can’t say I’m a 100% certain but I’m pretty sure they don’t last long on a vegetarian diet.

Anyway. *Name Withheld* used to take Grubby down the pub with us. Bit like a scarf.

Best chat-up lines ever…

Would you like to hold my snake?

Would you like to stroke my snake?

Touch my snake? It won’t bite. (But it could possibly crap on you)

I used to keep green water-dragons. Didn’t work quite as well.

But out of fairness.

They never crapped in my bed.

(I put them in my flat-mates room for that)

Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Humor, Musings

Trousers for snails…

I had a comment the other day suggesting that trousers for snails might be a good idea.

I commented back that I had scoured eBay but couldn’t find any single-legged trousers…

Made me think about clothes for animals/pets.

Why?

Well. I don’t know. Things make me think. Sometimes.

I do think constantly. It’s actually very tiring.

But why do we put clothes on animals? Does it make make them more human? Are our pets nicer than most of the people we know?

(N.B. I could go on and on about anthropomorphism here – but I shan’t. Twig-Twog, the cat, is distracting me asking if a new pair of jeans are making him look fat. P.S. The answer is yes.)

But do the pets appreciate it?

Perhaps. Maybe that’s the definition of unconditional love?

They’ll let us dress them in ridiculous things and still love us.

So. Question….

Cocktail dresses for goldfish. Niche in the market I should take advantage of?

I shall email Vivienne Westwood…

Blogging, Blogs, Cats, Commentary, Mental Health

What is wrong with you people?

Who? Who are you talking about?

YOU! My blog readers!

Why? What did we do?

You bemuse me. I did some analysis of my blog stats.

And?

Well, you weirdos, turns out my most popular pieces have been about snails, flies and cats.

And, ironically, – pants.

You really need to do some self-analysis.

You’re sick….

😉

Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Philosophy, Writing

Rules of Conduct.

Civilisation can sometimes suck.

Why?

Because in our attempts to be ‘civilised’ we actually create situations that work against each other and cause, rather than prevent, harm.

What?

A police officer will and can, by law, restrain someone that could or may cause harm to themselves or others.

Fair enough.

But because they are not medically trained they may unwittingly cause a situation that will result in the restrained person dying or suffering unnecessarily.

So what? They probably deserved it. Else why were they restrained and arrested?

It’s a given that ignorance of the law is no defence. So, why then is lack of information or respect of a person’s medical condition justification for manslaughter or sadism?

Well. They have a uniform.

Oh yeah. That’s ok then.