Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Humor, Mental Health

So long, and thanks for all the fish…

OMG! Don’t say you’re stopping blogging?

You should be so lucky…

So what do you mean then?

I was referring to 2015. Won’t be missing you. (With a Douglas Adams reference)

Ahh.

But 2015 was the year I started eating fish!

So all that Omega 3 is what’s made you so creative, funny and inspirational then?

Naturally. I think. Not completely convinced some of it may have been fictional or artificially introduced for the sake of marketing purposes.

So you’ve not fallen for all the ‘sleight of hand’ seen this year then?

Not completely. But that doesn’t mean I shall stop campaigning against all those things that may or may not actually exist….

That’s good to hear.

It is! Or isn’t it? I’m going to look into the future and ask some people I know in Australia…. 😉

And just so you know I haven’t completely lost my twisted sense of humor. This wedding stretched limo was parked outside earlier…

Wedding Limo

And because it was bright – this was the number plate….

B4

Now this may just be me… But doesn’t that mean “Before Swinging”? 😀

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Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Humor, Language, Neighbors

Potentially offensive but OMG so funny…

Go on then Carl, shock us…

Our neighbor (Yes, those ones) just came down to give us a card and some small presents.

Anyway, we were chatting and I asked what they were eating over Christmas…

Oh, Turkey crown and we’ve got a ham.

Ooh! Us too. How are you going to prepare it? Are you going to do it with cloves and a glaze?

No I’m going to boil it and let it it rest in a pillow-case. I saw it online.

Oh yeah, you mean like muslin? A cotton pillow-case?

That’s right. I’m going to boil it and put it in a Muslim for a couple of days…

You couldn’t make this stuff up….

 

Blogging, Blogs, bright side of life, Commentary, Humor

I broke a nail….

You broke a nail? A big metal nail? With a hammer?

No. A fingernail. And technically I didn’t break it. I cut it. With a knife.

A big rusty sword? An enchanted axe? An ogre killer?

No. A small kitchen knife.

Ooh! Were you fending off a burglar? A serial killer? Pirates?

No. I was chopping potatoes.

Oh. We expected more of you.

*Sigh*. I’m not saying I’m proud of it. But my partner is ill and so I’m cooking, cleaning, doing the washing, making cups of tea etc. etc.

Doesn’t sound like you….

True. But I am managing to maintain my macho, bad-boy image…

How?

I didn’t fold the end of the toilet-paper into a little triangle. Still a rebel at heart.

Oooh. You’re a bigger man than me.

That would mean more if you weren’t a little girl… Hah! The bitch is back!

😉

Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Conversation, Snails

Time for a snail…

What do you mean it’s time for a snail you maniac?

Well. Two reasons. A) I haven’t blogged for ages, and B) I learn’t yesterday that someone I know has a phobia about snails and I’m mean…

That is mean. So what are you going to say about snails?

Good question. I used to live in a part of North London that had a very ‘ethnic’ high street. Outside some shops you used to see baskets full of African Land Snails. Now these guys are HUGE! I mean really, really big. And fast.

Fast?

OK. That part was a lie. But they are enormous. And quite the delicacy I’m led to believe.

Boy. Can you buy huge garlic to go with them?

I doubt it. But you could always just buy lots of garlic instead.

So you would you need a special fork to eat them with?

Yes. But I believe it’s called a trident.

That would make sense. So how do you cook them?

I have no idea. I never managed to catch one. They’re not as fast as I said earlier but they are slippery customers…

land snail

Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Marriage

I almost wet myself…

Last night I was talking to an Indian friend. I asked him if he had children (because I wasn’t sure, obviously) and he said no, I’m getting married next February.

Oh? I said. Where did you meet her?

We haven’t met yet. It’s an arranged marriage.

Oh, OK. Well I hear arranged marriages are usually more successful than here in the West where we just meet partners. But aren’t you worried that she might not be, well you know, attractive?

No. We value personality much more than appearance.

Well, that’s a really good attitude, I responded. I respect that.

Anyway, he replied. We do it with the lights off in India.

I didn’t stop laughing for an hour.

 

Arguments, Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Society

Not a bad joke….

Dear oh dear. The blogosphere is a bit, dare I say it, ‘lame’ today.

Why’s that?

Bad jokes (mostly Xmas related), pictures of dead trees bizarrely festooned with highly flammable plastic tack AND really sentimental poetry.

Well, it’s nearly Christmas isn’t it!

Yeah. Are you going to tell me how many sleeps are left?

16! How come you didn’t know that?

Ummm, I dunno. Maybe because I don’t care?

You can’t say that! You’re such a Grinch.

Well how many sleeps until Ramadan? Or Diwali? Or Easter Sunday? Or the next General Election? Or the removal of troops from Afghanistan? Or your next birthday?

You’ll have to give me a minute on that…

Interesting….