addiction, Annoyances, Bad habits, Blog, Commentary

Things I’m no good at – Part 5 – Resisting crack squirrels.

Carl… Carl… Carl…

Be careful. Just like Beetlejuice I may appear. What is it now?

That’s just what we were going to ask. Are squirrels on crack incredibly strong or persuasive?

Probably, to be fair I’ve never encountered one (yet) but in South London anything is possible…

So what is the deal with crack squirrels, or squirrels on crack?

Well, that’s more of a reference to a condition I suffer from.

You’re addicted to crack? Or squirrels? Or both?

That’s a separate issue but I do have a different (yet related) addiction problem.

This sounds interesting, maybe. Pray tell?

When people make random comments on social media I have an irresistible urge to immediately get on Google (Or any other search engine) and research or look up information on whatever it is that they have brought up. In this instance today it was obviously squirrels on crack.

And? Is that not a good thing? It shows you have an inquisitive and enquiring mind surely? Do you really see that as a problem?

In a way. You see, during my research into crack and squirrels, I discovered that these rodents where I live actually DO have a problem with crack addiction!

And your humanitarian and kindly, benevolent nature takes umbrage at this?

No. I am now firmly convinced that one of the little bastards stole my mobile phone in order to fund his/her habit. Because there’s no way a human could have gotten through the gap left in the window to do it…

Ah, now it makes (almost) some kind of sense. What are you going to do about it?

Isn’t it obvious? It’s a crime requiring the attention of the police. Squirrels live in trees. I’m going to call Special Branch of course…



advertising, Anger, Annoyances, Beauty Products, Commentary

Things I’m no good at – Part 4 – Not shouting at adverts on the TV.

Oh dear Carl, what’s put a bee in your bonnet now?

Bloody advertisers. I swear to a higher power that marketing agencies must either employ morons or conversely just think that all the general public are morons.

Any advertisers in particular?

No, I’m quite fair in my hatred of all of them but L’Oreal really got my goat today.

We thought you’d given up on farming?

You know what I mean… There wasn’t an actual bloody goat involved. Although there was a tiger.

L’Oreal stole your tiger?

Oh my dear god. Do you work in advertising? No, L’Oreal have just started a new airing for a skin care product in which they say it contains extract from a plant fabled to be rubbed up against by tigers. Apparently it’s a big deal.

What does the product do?

It’s pertained to help your skin look younger.

Because of the tiger?

NO! That’s the thing that annoys me. The tiger has absolutely nothing to do with it!

So why do they mention it?

I don’t bloody know! I’ve stroked a lot of cats, does that mean I’m now immortal?

Are you a skin care product?

Obviously not. I’ve given a few people rashes though. Does that count?



Is it in yet?


Is it in yet?

Of course the four worst words any man wants to hear. 😉

Got me thinking though. (I hasten to mention, that was NOT said to me!)

In these days when tweets and texts are perhaps the primary method of communication (after speech) and we have to limit the amount of words/characters we use – what are the best/worst things we can hear or read that contain the fewest words?

Here’s a few of my suggestions…

You have 1/3/6 months to live

I love you

It’s not you, it’s me

That item is out of stock

You’ve got the job!

It’s a boy/girl!

It’s twins/triplets/sextuplets

I forgot your passport!

Happy Birthday!

We don’t have that size/color

We’re getting a puppy

I’m sorry about this but…

I’m pregnant

Bend over

We need to talk

I’m sorry

It’s too late

We’re out of toilet paper

Last orders please!


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