So, Carl, you’re no good at at spelling ‘things’? We thought you were supposed to be a writer? An author?

Why don’t you just go away? This is about seagulls… Illiterate idiots…

But you said ‘thongs’ in the title!!!! Twice! And that you couldn’t spell properly!!!

Ahhh, you do read that which I wrote?

We weren’t saying that.

I suspect you were. But that’s irrelevant. I wanted to talk about seagulls. Actually, that’s a lie, I wanted to talk about one particular seagull…

What’s it’s name?


Nah, just yanking your beak.

You’re dicing with death. Just like the seagull…

What is it with you and this ‘Seagull’?

Well, I have this ‘bird’ that won’t leave  me alone…

Are we meant to be impressed by this? Is this ‘bird’ really a female person?

Unfortunately not. I’m really not as good-looking as I tell people… It is actually a seagull. And it sits opposite my desk looking at me. And doesn’t even offer to make the coffee.

Does it prefer tea?

Seriously? I know where you live….

So, what’s with the ‘bird’?

Well, I’ve recently moved to the seaside and there are (unsurprisingly) a large number of seagulls around..


One has taken a fancy to me.

What do you mean? This is all sounding a bit suspicious to be honest.

I mean it’s looking at me all the time.

Ummmm…. Quite frankly this isn’t coming across as good and/or healthy?

Ummmm… It’s me? Good and/or healthy aren’t adjectives usually associated with me.

Yes, you do have a point there.

So does the seagull. On the end of its beak.

Is there any point to all of this?

Not really. But you have to admit you read it this far?


So what you squawking about?








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