Bad habits, Blog, bright side of life, Commentary, General Humour, masturbation, sex

Things I’m no good at – Part 6 – Being ambisextrous…

Sorry, what? Don’t you mean ambidextrous? Losing your spelling skills there Carl?

No, not in the slightest. Apparently (according to my dinner guests) it’s a thing.

Are we going to regret asking this?

Asking what?

*Sigh* – Ok then, what does ‘ambisextrous’ mean? And what type of people do you invite to your dinner parties?

I thought you’d never ask. Well, they’re usually a combination of old friends and some new faces. Always charming, sometimes polite and almost always don’t suffer severe food poisoning afterwards.

Almost always?

That’s for another blog…

Great. However it’s the ‘ambisextrous’ bit we are more interested in…

Apparently it’s the word used to describe the ability to *ahem* masturbate using either of your hands.

I see. And is there any benefit to being able to do this? Is it like sitting on your hand until it goes numb then imagining it’s someone else?

I don’t believe so. I think it’s merely the word used to describe the ability. So I guess it would be useful if you were to lose the use of your dominant hand due to injury etc.

Ah, your using the word ‘dominant’ there is interesting. Is that perhaps something to do with it?

I don’t think so. That’s just you.

Is there any point to this discussion?

Not really. I just like the word and wanted to ‘get it out there’…

What else do you talk about at your dinner parties?

Ummm, the weather mostly. And cat-goosing.

Cat-goosing?

Topic for another day dear reader.

Sometimes, Carl, you’re a real ambisextrouser…

I know.

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addiction, Annoyances, Bad habits, Blog, Commentary

Things I’m no good at – Part 5 – Resisting crack squirrels.

Carl… Carl… Carl…

Be careful. Just like Beetlejuice I may appear. What is it now?

That’s just what we were going to ask. Are squirrels on crack incredibly strong or persuasive?

Probably, to be fair I’ve never encountered one (yet) but in South London anything is possible…

So what is the deal with crack squirrels, or squirrels on crack?

Well, that’s more of a reference to a condition I suffer from.

You’re addicted to crack? Or squirrels? Or both?

That’s a separate issue but I do have a different (yet related) addiction problem.

This sounds interesting, maybe. Pray tell?

When people make random comments on social media I have an irresistible urge to immediately get on Google (Or any other search engine) and research or look up information on whatever it is that they have brought up. In this instance today it was obviously squirrels on crack.

And? Is that not a good thing? It shows you have an inquisitive and enquiring mind surely? Do you really see that as a problem?

In a way. You see, during my research into crack and squirrels, I discovered that these rodents where I live actually DO have a problem with crack addiction!

And your humanitarian and kindly, benevolent nature takes umbrage at this?

No. I am now firmly convinced that one of the little bastards stole my mobile phone in order to fund his/her habit. Because there’s no way a human could have gotten through the gap left in the window to do it…

Ah, now it makes (almost) some kind of sense. What are you going to do about it?

Isn’t it obvious? It’s a crime requiring the attention of the police. Squirrels live in trees. I’m going to call Special Branch of course…

Squirrel_crack

 

advertising, Anger, Annoyances, Beauty Products, Commentary

Things I’m no good at – Part 4 – Not shouting at adverts on the TV.

Oh dear Carl, what’s put a bee in your bonnet now?

Bloody advertisers. I swear to a higher power that marketing agencies must either employ morons or conversely just think that all the general public are morons.

Any advertisers in particular?

No, I’m quite fair in my hatred of all of them but L’Oreal really got my goat today.

We thought you’d given up on farming?

You know what I mean… There wasn’t an actual bloody goat involved. Although there was a tiger.

L’Oreal stole your tiger?

Oh my dear god. Do you work in advertising? No, L’Oreal have just started a new airing for a skin care product in which they say it contains extract from a plant fabled to be rubbed up against by tigers. Apparently it’s a big deal.

What does the product do?

It’s pertained to help your skin look younger.

Because of the tiger?

NO! That’s the thing that annoys me. The tiger has absolutely nothing to do with it!

So why do they mention it?

I don’t bloody know! I’ve stroked a lot of cats, does that mean I’m now immortal?

Are you a skin care product?

Obviously not. I’ve given a few people rashes though. Does that count?

Ewww….

Commentary

Is it in yet?

SpyKeyOne

Is it in yet?

Of course the four worst words any man wants to hear. 😉

Got me thinking though. (I hasten to mention, that was NOT said to me!)

In these days when tweets and texts are perhaps the primary method of communication (after speech) and we have to limit the amount of words/characters we use – what are the best/worst things we can hear or read that contain the fewest words?

Here’s a few of my suggestions…

You have 1/3/6 months to live

I love you

It’s not you, it’s me

That item is out of stock

You’ve got the job!

It’s a boy/girl!

It’s twins/triplets/sextuplets

I forgot your passport!

Happy Birthday!

We don’t have that size/color

We’re getting a puppy

I’m sorry about this but…

I’m pregnant

Bend over

We need to talk

I’m sorry

It’s too late

We’re out of toilet paper

Last orders please!

Wow…

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Blog, Blogging, Blogs, collecting, Commentary, worms

Things I’m no good at – Part 3 – Worm Collecting.

Ummmm…. Carl?

Yes?

WTF? I mean, seriously, WTF?

Oh, you mean the worm collecting?

Ummmm…. YES!!!

Ok, that’s there just because I heard it at a dinner party where someone asked what people’s hobbies were and that was one of the answers. I don’t actually collect worms myself but I’m assuming that if I were to I probably wouldn’t be very good at it.

Because you don’t like worms?

No, I’m fairly ambivalent about worms.

Why are we having this conversation?

I have no idea. YOU started it.

No I didn’t.

I think you did. I suggest you read back and check. You’ll find I’m correct.

Why do I talk to you?

Now that’s a much better question! Why do you talk to me?

It’s better than collecting worms?

There you go…

 

Adversity, Age, Batman, Behaviour, Bigotry, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, bright side of life, Commentary, Fantasy, General Humor, General Humour, Growing up

Things I’m no good at – Part 2 – Harbouring resentment…

You have to be seriously ‘effing kidding Carl. You! No good at resentment? You’re ‘aving a giraffe mate…

No, it’s true. I can’t do it anymore. Not always the case admittedly. When I was a teenager I could sulk for days. Literally days. And in later life I could build a grudge into a beast of horrific proportions and ‘I pity the fool’ that would dare to cross me..

But now? What, so you’re some saintly character that can ‘forgive and forget’ with nary a backward glance?

Kinda…

I don’t believe you.

That’s unfortunate but I forgive you kind reader…

Pffftttt…

Ok, I may be exaggerating a little but with the state of the world (and recent personal experiences) I’ve found that being upset all the time is just too exhausting.

So you’ve decided to adopt a brighter outlook and sense of optimism and leave all the bad feelings to others?

Yes, but I secretly now despise all those who whinge about their situation, political leaders, natural disasters and those who perpetrate violence and bigotry to others. I also secretly work incognito behind the scenes to punish wrong-doers and bring bring happiness and justice to the world…

Like some kind of costumed, incognito superhero? Like Batman or The Arrow or Wonder Woman?

YES! Exactly like that. But in secret without anyone knowing a thing…

Ummm…?

What?

Do you not see what you just did?

Oh. Bollocks. 😦

 

 

 

 

Adversity, Awkward Situations, Behaviour, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Challenge, Commentary, Conversation, General Humor, General Humour, Had enough, Humor

Things I’m no good at – Part 1 – Plastic Bags…

Shouldn’t the first thing on your list be writing good blogs?

F*** off. That was a cheap shot…

Ok, you’re right. That was an easy win. So, what is it with you and plastic bags?

Thanks for the apology. Doesn’t mean you’re off the list though. Anyway, I have issues with plastic bags. I find them very frustrating and a constant source of embarrassment…

Huh? Frustrating? Because they always break?

No. Because I can’t open them. I can seperate them off the roll etc. but I cannot for the life of me get them to open in order to put things in. Rubbing them between my hands, breathing on them, licking my finger-tips, picking with my nails…. They frustrate me every time, refusing to part their ‘lips’ and I always have to ask someone (usually the shop assistant ) to help me… (And yes, I do appreciate the irony there…)

Ooohhh, this does sound serious. Are you harbouring any thoughts of self-harm? Have you made any plans?

F*** you… You’re at the top of the list now. My question is this… Am I the only one? Is there anyone else out there that has the same affliction?

Are you looking for a date? Are you really that lonely?

That’s it… I really am after you now. I would asphyxiate you with with a plastic bag over the head and some duct-tape but…. *sigh* I can’t ever find the end of the duct-tape either… (Ironically)