Isn’t it ‘lonesome as a cloud’?
Well, that’s what HE wrote but I always like to be different. And you’re wrong. It was ‘lonely as a cloud’.
So do you think you’re fluffy? Or a cloud?
Maybe. What do you think?
I think you’re struggling to find something to write about.
That may be true. But it looks like you’re struggling to find something good to read?
That’s also true.
See! I’m always right.
Now I am struggling. To take that statement seriously.
You’re still here though aren’t you?
Told you. I’m ALWAYS right….
What do you mean you don’t respond well to criticism Carl?
What! Are you saying I don’t communicate clearly enough?
No, no. I was just trying to expand the conversation.
So you’re saying I’m boring or stupid?
No! I was just trying to start a dialogue.
So you can’t accept my statement at face value? Are you saying I’m not providing enough information to keep your interest?
Not at all. I just wanted to get more information.
So you ARE saying I’m boring! Well, I’m so, so sorry I’m not interesting enough to keep your attention…. Bigot.
I’m not a bigot!
So now you’re saying I’M a bigot?
NO! Not at all. Please don’t get upset.
Well. It’s a bit late for that. I told you I don’t take criticism well…
What can’t you believe?
I can’t believe it’s the 2nd of January 2016.
The battery in my clock stopped. I thought it was 6.30am on the 1st and wondered why I was up so early. I thought it was because I needed to pee but then realised I didn’t. I actually went to the toilet on the 1st but didn’t flush. That’s when I knew something was up… Instead of ‘down’….
I can’t argue with that.
So what did you do on the 1st day of the new year?
Don’t have a clue. I’m checking online and waiting for the police to knock on my door.
Is that likely?
Like I said. I don’t have a clue. I can only hope they have some witness reports. Possibly CCTV footage. But if anyone’s missing a prosthetic limb then I may be able to assist.
You need help…
Agreed. But at least I have a leg to stand on. Four of them…. 😉
Well. After a completely sleepless night, thanks to my delightful neighbors, I’m at a loss what to write about today. So I thought I’d give you an update on my acolyte, Twig-Twog, and his continued search for divine enlightenment.
Wouldn’t you rather vent and describe the many ways in which you’d like to murder your neighbors?
Well. I would but I shan’t. I shall rise above it and talk about Twiggers instead.
I thought he annoyed you?
Well, he does. But like they say – “The better of two evils”
Twig-Twog is still obsessed with me. His messiah. But he has adopted new (slightly creepy) tactics.
Rather than sitting at my knee, gazing adoringly at me from one static position.
He now has a new strategy.
What does he do now?
Good question. He now attempts to set my mind more at rest. He still adopts the same position but farther away.
Well that’s better isn’t it? You said his close proximity was disturbing your writing.
You’d think. But it’s a ruse. A bluff. When I look away he quickly edges closer then adopts exactly the same posture. Stealth tactics. He thinks I won’t notice as he moves in for the ‘kill’.
N.B. ‘Kill’ in this sense means me capitulating to his silent (yet fervent) demands and picking him up and giving him a ‘stroke’ or ‘cuddle’. The cat equivalent of me waving a white flag and signing a detrimental peace treaty and demands for reparations.
Aw. That’s cute!
No it isn’t. Ever see that Dr Who episode with the moving angel statues that only crept up on you when you weren’t looking? It won several awards and was called Blink. The aliens were called Weeping Angels.
Ah. I can see why you’re a bit freaked…
Too right. Anyone want a ‘cat’ for Christmas? He’s very cute.
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
No it isn’t
You overwhelm me with ‘knowledge’. Too much information. Too much ‘truth’. My brain is overwhelmed, fried, cluttered. I cannot think straight or discern right from wrong. You truly are the Father of Lies. This ‘knowledge’ is corrupting me. I used to have opinions but now if I express them, hordes of your followers hunt me down to prove that I am ‘wrong’. I do not wish or need to know who is ‘happy’, who is ‘confused’ or ‘sad’ or what they are eating. I do not need to know who is ‘upset’ or ‘angry’. That’s the job of your enemy, his problem, not mine. I cannot sort out everyone’s misfortunes, answer their prayers. Knowledge of their misery only diminishes my own quality of life. I seek knowledge but you have blinded me with fallacy. The information you give me cannot have it’s veracity confirmed. Your electronic pages of ‘facts’ and ‘truths’ are continuously altered or changed. I hate you. I am no longer in touch with reality.
Yes it is.
I revel in the knowledge you give me. I now have power that school or university alone could not have given me. I can diagnose my own illnesses, seek the appropriate treatment. I can discover who said what and when. I am in touch with all the fauna and flora of our beautiful world. I can discover all the countries, cultures and faiths on the planet. I can see the images of other worlds and know of their composition and atmospheres. I know who to be wary of, where not to tread and how to beat them if they threaten me or mine. I can learn the opinions, beliefs and thought of others. You have shown me history and let me predict the future. I now know the rules of the games I play and the tactics of my competitors. You enable me to make the right decisions. I love you. You enrich my life.
Gosh darn it. It’s finally happened. My life as I knew it is over ….
I have finally become … popular. 😦
I suppose I knew in my heart that this day would come. No bushel would be able to cover the light I hold.
What the hell are you talking about.
Well. Apparently I now have friends! And there’s this ‘tag’ thing on Facebook that means that these ‘friends’ can ‘mention’ you in ‘comments’ and it’s then brought to your attention…
Pfffttt … Three hours it took me this morning to look at these mentions!
Some of them were even nice!
I can’t take this kind of attention much longer. I want to crawl back under my rock, hide under the covers and wear a wig and sun-glasses in public. (And high heels but that’s another story)
Some people will no doubt say that I had it coming. Some will tell me to grow a pair. Some may ask for my autograph. – What to do?
Should I just ‘suck it up’ and accept it that I’m now an icon, forever destined to live in the public eye?
Probably. But I won’t.
You doth protest too much!
True. I am a desperate attention-seeker, always craving acknowledgement of my existence and worth to the world. show me a stage and I’ll stride out on it. Give me a platform and I’ll jump right on. I just can’t help myself. Shoot me down and I’ll just come back stronger. A bit like this chap –
Should I prune my Friends list or provide it with manure to grow?
Hmmm. What is it with you and manure?
Great question! Please watch out for the answer in my forth-coming auto-biography.
Me, Myself and Manure
What else? 🙂
I’m not talking about the fact that I have Type 1 diabetes.
Or that I have a mental illness.
And high blood-pressure.
Or that I’m allergic to cats.
No. None of these are the problem. I have medication for all the physical stuff. I get therapy for the mental problem. I wear glasses and I can take anti-histamines to counter the cats. (Or kick them out when it’s really bad.)
No. The real problem (and one that can’t be treated) is that I’m too tall.
Eh? Almost everyone would like to be taller!
Not if they had my kitchen sink cupboard…
My partner is a bit OCD and likes to tidy everything away. This results in everything I like to keep handy in case needed is ‘stuffed’ in the cupboard beneath the kitchen sink.
Every time I try to find the hammer, or the sellotape, or the bin-bags, or my Marmite… I cause an avalanche of ‘crap’ that takes hours to put back.
Now, if I were shorter, I would be able to see into the cupboard and find the required item much quicker and without creating a mess of monumental proportions. My blood pressure would also be lower preventing an early demise. (Especially considering all the health conditions mentioned earlier!)
The short of it is… I’m too tall.