OMG! You didn’t really say that did you Carl?
No. Of course not. But I am trying to make a point.
Uh oh. Is this going to be a rant?
It was. But I’m going to hold myself back. I’m getting so sick of all the misery on Facebook at the moment that I’m actually starting to hate my ‘Friends’. I nearly deleted my account last night and I’ve been on it since 2007.
What do you mean ‘misery’?
Well, maybe it’s the time of year, but why does every bit of misfortune that befalls anyone have to be put out there for all and sundry to take discomfort from? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unsympathetic but I’m starting to feel pressurised to ‘care’ about a lot of stuff when in fact I could give a shit.
Don’t read it then.
Ah! That good old stock answer. My reply – don’t write it. Keep personal stuff exactly that – personal. I’m very sorry that you’re dead, dying, diagnosed with something horrible or that your penis is a bit scabby but tell me in a PM please. *Sigh*. – Rant over. Got it out of my system.
What are you going to do now?
Check the updates on the ‘friends’ I don’t really like and see if anything nasty has happened to them. I know they’ll make a big deal of telling everyone and it’ll cheer me up.
Oh dear Carl. What happened?
Well. *DEEP SIGH* I was out in Las Vegas being taken for dinner by friends last week…
Well. We were seated and the waitress naturally asked us if we would like drinks. I spied two ladies drinking from cocktail glasses with white crystals around the rim and the light bulb switched on in my mouth.
Ah, you thought they were drinking Margaritas?
Yes. My all-time favourite cocktail. My number one each and every time. Drunk them all over the world.
I ordered one.
I got a snow-cone.
Ah… Did you make her cry?
Not at first. I asked her WTF it was. She dutifully replied it was a Margarita.
Hmmm… What did you say?
It took me a few seconds to think of a response. I finally came up the witty response “No the **** it isn’t. Margaritas don’t have ice in them and they certainly don’t come in half-pint glasses. They come in glasses like that!”, pointing at the empty conical glasses on the other table.
“Oh no Sir, they’re for Daiquiris…”
At this point I began to cry and ordered beer instead. It arrived in a soup bowl…
Ok Carl… You’ve certainly come up with interesting things before (Sometimes) but this one is definitely raising the bar…
Well, do you share a property with someone who is, let us say, a little unpredictable on occasion?
Nope. We come to you for the crazy…
Ah. Good for you. I’m very happy knowing your life is ‘normal’.
So, tell us, what is a morbidly obese cock womble?
Have you ever woken in the morning to find offensive graffiti on your front door and a sad attempt to stick it shut with duct tape? – Because apparently it’s, and I quote, ‘Funny’?
Can’t say I have.
Well, welcome to my life. Being the calm natured person I am it was only reasonable (In my opinion) to break into his flat, steal his permanent marker and return the ‘favour’. That too is funny IMHO….
Hence – Morbidly Obese Cock Womble every time he sticks the key in the door…
Mystery cheese? Should I even ask?
You’ll have to now won’t you.
*Sigh* What’s with the mystery cheese Carl?
I’m glad you asked. In the local shop last night I was staring dumbly at the chiller cabinet thinking about salami (which they didn’t have) and a pack of cheese caught my eye. It looked suspiciously like goats cheese which I love so bought it on an impulse.
Ooh! Was it goats cheese?
What was it then?
Aww. That’s a shame.
Not really. I’m saving it for the next time someone visits that I don’t really like. Got some stale biscuits somewhere too.
What now Carl? Surely every life is a story…
Well yes, but you’re not getting my point.
So what is your point?
As a writer I get to choose how my story goes. I can change the situations, move the characters around, decide what happens etc.
So you like being in control, playing god and making everything as you want it?
And real life is a bit trickier?
Exactly. It’s annoying.
So what can you do?
I’m working on it…. You may be edited out cos you’re annoying me now too…
Hey Carl, long time no here…
‘Hear’ you fool, not ‘here’.. Idiot…
Ooh, bit touchy aren’t we?
Well. I can’t help it. Everyone seems to want to argue about absolutely bloody everything these days. Brexit, Trump, Syria, why dogs are better than cats…. Everything and anything…
OK, but I thought you liked a good argument? You know, stirring things up a bit..
You’re right (shocker) but it’s getting boring now. Losing friends on Facebook for having a different opinion. Reading the wrong newspaper, watching the wrong TV Channel. SOD OFF! I’m entitled to do and think what I want…
But you don’t you know you can sometimes be wrong?
You’re pushing your ‘effing luck now…
What now Carl? You haven’t been blogging for months…
Well, I’ve been busy…
So? Did you miss us?
Technically. No. Emphatically? Definitely.
But does that not make us your fans?
Technically, sadly for you, yes. But are you making me any cooler? Sadly (Again)… No…
😦 Ah well. The dice lie where they roll…
Yeah. Keep telling yourself that…