addiction, Annoyances, Bad habits, Blog, Commentary

Things I’m no good at – Part 5 – Resisting crack squirrels.

Carl… Carl… Carl…

Be careful. Just like Beetlejuice I may appear. What is it now?

That’s just what we were going to ask. Are squirrels on crack incredibly strong or persuasive?

Probably, to be fair I’ve never encountered one (yet) but in South London anything is possible…

So what is the deal with crack squirrels, or squirrels on crack?

Well, that’s more of a reference to a condition I suffer from.

You’re addicted to crack? Or squirrels? Or both?

That’s a separate issue but I do have a different (yet related) addiction problem.

This sounds interesting, maybe. Pray tell?

When people make random comments on social media I have an irresistible urge to immediately get on Google (Or any other search engine) and research or look up information on whatever it is that they have brought up. In this instance today it was obviously squirrels on crack.

And? Is that not a good thing? It shows you have an inquisitive and enquiring mind surely? Do you really see that as a problem?

In a way. You see, during my research into crack and squirrels, I discovered that these rodents where I live actually DO have a problem with crack addiction!

And your humanitarian and kindly, benevolent nature takes umbrage at this?

No. I am now firmly convinced that one of the little bastards stole my mobile phone in order to fund his/her habit. Because there’s no way a human could have gotten through the gap left in the window to do it…

Ah, now it makes (almost) some kind of sense. What are you going to do about it?

Isn’t it obvious? It’s a crime requiring the attention of the police. Squirrels live in trees. I’m going to call Special Branch of course…

Squirrel_crack

 

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advertising, Anger, Annoyances, Beauty Products, Commentary

Things I’m no good at – Part 4 – Not shouting at adverts on the TV.

Oh dear Carl, what’s put a bee in your bonnet now?

Bloody advertisers. I swear to a higher power that marketing agencies must either employ morons or conversely just think that all the general public are morons.

Any advertisers in particular?

No, I’m quite fair in my hatred of all of them but L’Oreal really got my goat today.

We thought you’d given up on farming?

You know what I mean… There wasn’t an actual bloody goat involved. Although there was a tiger.

L’Oreal stole your tiger?

Oh my dear god. Do you work in advertising? No, L’Oreal have just started a new airing for a skin care product in which they say it contains extract from a plant fabled to be rubbed up against by tigers. Apparently it’s a big deal.

What does the product do?

It’s pertained to help your skin look younger.

Because of the tiger?

NO! That’s the thing that annoys me. The tiger has absolutely nothing to do with it!

So why do they mention it?

I don’t bloody know! I’ve stroked a lot of cats, does that mean I’m now immortal?

Are you a skin care product?

Obviously not. I’ve given a few people rashes though. Does that count?

Ewww….

Annoyances, Annoying, Blog, Commentary, Criticism

“My Gran died last night :'( ” – Really? Which one?

OMG! You didn’t really say that did you Carl?

No. Of course not. But I am trying to make a point.

Uh oh. Is this going to be a rant?

It was. But I’m going to hold myself back. I’m getting so sick of all the misery on Facebook at the moment that I’m actually starting to hate my ‘Friends’. I nearly deleted my account last night and I’ve been on it since 2007.

What do you mean ‘misery’?

Well, maybe it’s the time of year, but why does every bit of misfortune that befalls anyone have to be put out there for all and sundry to take discomfort from? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unsympathetic but I’m starting to feel pressurised to ‘care’ about a lot of stuff when in fact I could give a shit.

Don’t read it then.

Ah! That good old stock answer. My reply – don’t write it. Keep personal stuff exactly that – personal. I’m very sorry that you’re dead, dying, diagnosed with something horrible or that your penis is a bit scabby but tell me in a PM please. *Sigh*. – Rant over. Got it out of my system.

What are you going to do now?

Check the updates on the ‘friends’ I don’t really like and see if anything nasty has happened to them. I know they’ll make a big deal of telling everyone and it’ll cheer me up.

Annoyances, Arguments, Blog, Commentary, Drinks, Humor

That is NOT an ‘effing Margarita…

Oh dear Carl. What happened?

Well. *DEEP SIGH* I was out in Las Vegas being taken for dinner by friends last week…

And?

Well. We were seated and the waitress naturally asked us if we would like drinks. I spied two ladies drinking from cocktail glasses with white crystals around the rim and the light bulb switched on in my mouth.

Ah, you thought they were drinking Margaritas?

Yes. My all-time favourite cocktail. My number one each and every time. Drunk them all over the world.

So?

I ordered one.

And?

I got a snow-cone.

Ah… Did you make her cry?

Not at first. I asked her WTF it was. She dutifully replied it was a Margarita.

Hmmm… What did you say?

It took me a few seconds to think of a response. I finally came up the witty response “No the **** it isn’t. Margaritas don’t have ice in them and they certainly don’t come in half-pint glasses. They come in glasses like that!”, pointing at the empty conical glasses on the other table.

“Oh no Sir, they’re for Daiquiris…”

At this point I began to cry and ordered beer instead. It arrived in a soup bowl…

Annoyances, Behaviour, Bigotry, Blog, Commentary, Humor

Morbidly Obese Cock Womble

Ok Carl… You’ve certainly come up with interesting things before (Sometimes) but this one is definitely raising the bar…

Well, do you share a property with someone who is, let us say, a little unpredictable on occasion?

Nope. We come to you for the crazy…

Ah. Good for you. I’m very happy knowing your life is ‘normal’.

So, tell us, what is a morbidly obese cock womble?

Have you ever woken in the morning to find offensive graffiti on your front door and a sad attempt to stick it shut with duct tape? – Because apparently it’s, and I quote, ‘Funny’?

Can’t say I have.

Well, welcome to my life. Being the calm natured person I am it was only reasonable (In my opinion) to break into his flat, steal his permanent marker and return the ‘favour’. That too is funny IMHO….

Hence – Morbidly Obese Cock Womble every time he sticks the key in the door…

cock-womble

Annoyances, Blogging, Blogs, Cheese, Commentary, Humor, Hunger

Mystery Cheese – Don’t go there…

Mystery cheese? Should I even ask?

You’ll have to now won’t you.

*Sigh* What’s with the mystery cheese Carl?

I’m glad you asked. In the local shop last night I was staring dumbly at the chiller cabinet thinking about salami (which they didn’t have) and a pack of cheese caught my eye. It looked suspiciously like goats cheese which I love so bought it on an impulse.

Ooh! Was it goats cheese?

Sadly not.

What was it then?

Absolutely disgusting.

Aww. That’s a shame.

Not really. I’m saving it for the next time someone visits that I don’t really like. Got some stale biscuits somewhere too.

You’re mean.

That’s news?

 

Adversity, Annoyances, Blogging, Blogs, Commentary

If only life were a story….

What now Carl? Surely every life is a story…

Well yes, but you’re not getting my point.

So what is your point?

As a writer I get to choose how my story goes. I can change the situations, move the characters around, decide what happens etc.

So you like being in control, playing god and making everything as you want it?

Exactly.

And real life is a bit trickier?

Exactly. It’s annoying.

So what can you do?

I’m working on it…. You may be edited out cos you’re annoying me now too…