OMG! You didn’t really say that did you Carl?
No. Of course not. But I am trying to make a point.
Uh oh. Is this going to be a rant?
It was. But I’m going to hold myself back. I’m getting so sick of all the misery on Facebook at the moment that I’m actually starting to hate my ‘Friends’. I nearly deleted my account last night and I’ve been on it since 2007.
What do you mean ‘misery’?
Well, maybe it’s the time of year, but why does every bit of misfortune that befalls anyone have to be put out there for all and sundry to take discomfort from? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unsympathetic but I’m starting to feel pressurised to ‘care’ about a lot of stuff when in fact I could give a shit.
Don’t read it then.
Ah! That good old stock answer. My reply – don’t write it. Keep personal stuff exactly that – personal. I’m very sorry that you’re dead, dying, diagnosed with something horrible or that your penis is a bit scabby but tell me in a PM please. *Sigh*. – Rant over. Got it out of my system.
What are you going to do now?
Check the updates on the ‘friends’ I don’t really like and see if anything nasty has happened to them. I know they’ll make a big deal of telling everyone and it’ll cheer me up.
What? Carl, we thought you were some kind of tough guy…
I am. But two weeks in a casino/hotel/spa taught me some things about American plumbing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very clean and does the job but…
I’m intrigued now. But what?
The toilets flush themselves! And they have suction on them that puts an aeroplane loo or black hole to shame.
Surely that’s good though? Get rid of it once and for all as soon as possible?
You’d think, but when you’re sitting there trying to relax and not expecting it, the sudden flush and rush of wind can be a little ‘disconcerting’ shall we say? – Good job I was in the right place… 😉 (Pun intended)
What can’t you believe?
I can’t believe it’s the 2nd of January 2016.
The battery in my clock stopped. I thought it was 6.30am on the 1st and wondered why I was up so early. I thought it was because I needed to pee but then realised I didn’t. I actually went to the toilet on the 1st but didn’t flush. That’s when I knew something was up… Instead of ‘down’….
I can’t argue with that.
So what did you do on the 1st day of the new year?
Don’t have a clue. I’m checking online and waiting for the police to knock on my door.
Is that likely?
Like I said. I don’t have a clue. I can only hope they have some witness reports. Possibly CCTV footage. But if anyone’s missing a prosthetic limb then I may be able to assist.
You need help…
Agreed. But at least I have a leg to stand on. Four of them…. 😉
Well. After a completely sleepless night, thanks to my delightful neighbors, I’m at a loss what to write about today. So I thought I’d give you an update on my acolyte, Twig-Twog, and his continued search for divine enlightenment.
Wouldn’t you rather vent and describe the many ways in which you’d like to murder your neighbors?
Well. I would but I shan’t. I shall rise above it and talk about Twiggers instead.
I thought he annoyed you?
Well, he does. But like they say – “The better of two evils”
Twig-Twog is still obsessed with me. His messiah. But he has adopted new (slightly creepy) tactics.
Rather than sitting at my knee, gazing adoringly at me from one static position.
He now has a new strategy.
What does he do now?
Good question. He now attempts to set my mind more at rest. He still adopts the same position but farther away.
Well that’s better isn’t it? You said his close proximity was disturbing your writing.
You’d think. But it’s a ruse. A bluff. When I look away he quickly edges closer then adopts exactly the same posture. Stealth tactics. He thinks I won’t notice as he moves in for the ‘kill’.
N.B. ‘Kill’ in this sense means me capitulating to his silent (yet fervent) demands and picking him up and giving him a ‘stroke’ or ‘cuddle’. The cat equivalent of me waving a white flag and signing a detrimental peace treaty and demands for reparations.
Aw. That’s cute!
No it isn’t. Ever see that Dr Who episode with the moving angel statues that only crept up on you when you weren’t looking? It won several awards and was called Blink. The aliens were called Weeping Angels.
Ah. I can see why you’re a bit freaked…
Too right. Anyone want a ‘cat’ for Christmas? He’s very cute.
You just killed a fly?
It was really annoying me.
So you’re not a Buddhist then?
Doesn’t mean I’m proud of it.
BUT – It was REALLY annoying me.
And I’m bigger.