Oh dear Carl. What happened?
Well. *DEEP SIGH* I was out in Las Vegas being taken for dinner by friends last week…
Well. We were seated and the waitress naturally asked us if we would like drinks. I spied two ladies drinking from cocktail glasses with white crystals around the rim and the light bulb switched on in my mouth.
Ah, you thought they were drinking Margaritas?
Yes. My all-time favourite cocktail. My number one each and every time. Drunk them all over the world.
I ordered one.
I got a snow-cone.
Ah… Did you make her cry?
Not at first. I asked her WTF it was. She dutifully replied it was a Margarita.
Hmmm… What did you say?
It took me a few seconds to think of a response. I finally came up the witty response “No the **** it isn’t. Margaritas don’t have ice in them and they certainly don’t come in half-pint glasses. They come in glasses like that!”, pointing at the empty conical glasses on the other table.
“Oh no Sir, they’re for Daiquiris…”
At this point I began to cry and ordered beer instead. It arrived in a soup bowl…
Hey Carl, long time no here…
‘Hear’ you fool, not ‘here’.. Idiot…
Ooh, bit touchy aren’t we?
Well. I can’t help it. Everyone seems to want to argue about absolutely bloody everything these days. Brexit, Trump, Syria, why dogs are better than cats…. Everything and anything…
OK, but I thought you liked a good argument? You know, stirring things up a bit..
You’re right (shocker) but it’s getting boring now. Losing friends on Facebook for having a different opinion. Reading the wrong newspaper, watching the wrong TV Channel. SOD OFF! I’m entitled to do and think what I want…
But you don’t you know you can sometimes be wrong?
You’re pushing your ‘effing luck now…
What do you mean you don’t respond well to criticism Carl?
What! Are you saying I don’t communicate clearly enough?
No, no. I was just trying to expand the conversation.
So you’re saying I’m boring or stupid?
No! I was just trying to start a dialogue.
So you can’t accept my statement at face value? Are you saying I’m not providing enough information to keep your interest?
Not at all. I just wanted to get more information.
So you ARE saying I’m boring! Well, I’m so, so sorry I’m not interesting enough to keep your attention…. Bigot.
I’m not a bigot!
So now you’re saying I’M a bigot?
NO! Not at all. Please don’t get upset.
Well. It’s a bit late for that. I told you I don’t take criticism well…
What can’t you believe?
I can’t believe it’s the 2nd of January 2016.
The battery in my clock stopped. I thought it was 6.30am on the 1st and wondered why I was up so early. I thought it was because I needed to pee but then realised I didn’t. I actually went to the toilet on the 1st but didn’t flush. That’s when I knew something was up… Instead of ‘down’….
I can’t argue with that.
So what did you do on the 1st day of the new year?
Don’t have a clue. I’m checking online and waiting for the police to knock on my door.
Is that likely?
Like I said. I don’t have a clue. I can only hope they have some witness reports. Possibly CCTV footage. But if anyone’s missing a prosthetic limb then I may be able to assist.
You need help…
Agreed. But at least I have a leg to stand on. Four of them…. 😉
Dear oh dear. The blogosphere is a bit, dare I say it, ‘lame’ today.
Bad jokes (mostly Xmas related), pictures of dead trees bizarrely festooned with highly flammable plastic tack AND really sentimental poetry.
Well, it’s nearly Christmas isn’t it!
Yeah. Are you going to tell me how many sleeps are left?
16! How come you didn’t know that?
Ummm, I dunno. Maybe because I don’t care?
You can’t say that! You’re such a Grinch.
Well how many sleeps until Ramadan? Or Diwali? Or Easter Sunday? Or the next General Election? Or the removal of troops from Afghanistan? Or your next birthday?
You’ll have to give me a minute on that…
Does anyone ever win an argument?
Sure you can win, that is, you can come away with a sense of winning but have you really?
I don’t think I’ve ever won an argument where I came away feeling like a winner. Sure, I’ve had fleeting feelings of self-satisfaction or righteousness but these soon fade and then I’ve had to deal with interacting with the loser…
People aren’t good losers. I’m not even sure such a thing exists. When I’ve lost I have long harbored bad feelings and resentment towards the winner and even myself (for allowing myself to lose).
Arguments require the participants to be fundamentally convinced they are right which gives them the strength and desire to prove and justify the reasons for their convictions.
I believe in God
You’re an idiot. There’s no proof God exists
What do you mean? The proof is all around us!
No. What’s ‘all around us’ is that hideous wallpaper you chose.
Exactly! God created that wallpaper
Then God’s an idiot. And blind.
The cost of having an argument is not always inflicted upon just the participants. Our neighbors could compete in the Olympics for arguing. Their tactics do not involve the use of logic or presenting well thought-out reasons for why they are right.
Oh no. Only two tactics are employed in this sport – Volume and Repetition. The one who can shout the same thing for the longest and the loudest is the winner.
Do ya hear me now? Do ya hear me now? DO YA HEAR ME NOW?
YES! That’s all we can bloody hear!
Funnily enough, they both get the same prize! They both get to stomp around as long as they can above our bedroom or living room calling the other a stupid ‘something’. The prize often lasts much longer than the actual argument.
In fact, I think it’s a lifetime award….