Ok Carl… You’ve certainly come up with interesting things before (Sometimes) but this one is definitely raising the bar…
Well, do you share a property with someone who is, let us say, a little unpredictable on occasion?
Nope. We come to you for the crazy…
Ah. Good for you. I’m very happy knowing your life is ‘normal’.
So, tell us, what is a morbidly obese cock womble?
Have you ever woken in the morning to find offensive graffiti on your front door and a sad attempt to stick it shut with duct tape? – Because apparently it’s, and I quote, ‘Funny’?
Can’t say I have.
Well, welcome to my life. Being the calm natured person I am it was only reasonable (In my opinion) to break into his flat, steal his permanent marker and return the ‘favour’. That too is funny IMHO….
Hence – Morbidly Obese Cock Womble every time he sticks the key in the door…
Hey! I didn’t realise you were still blogging?
Well. I’ve been busy. Battling.
Who you got?
Hmmmm. That seems a little adversarial if you don’t mind me saying.
Well I do mind. I did warn you. I’m in ‘battling’ mode.
Ohhh Kayyy. Well I don’t want to get on your bad side. Would you mind telling us who’s upset you?
Bureaucracy. Bureaucrats. Public servants who seem to put paperwork, budgets and their own sense of self-importance above basic human decency.
Aaah. Now I’m beginning to understand. Why do you think that is?
I’d love to know myself. It seems that somewhere along the line people have forgotten that we’re all in this together and should try to make life easier for all of us to enjoy. Still, if being a mean-spirited, selfish person makes you feel better then I suppose that’s a basic human right.
That’s very noble of you. You surprise me.
I’m lying. I’m lulling you into a false sense of security before I destroy you and everything you hold dear with extreme prejudice.
Yay! That’s more like the Carl we know and love. 🙂
Make the most of it. And just hope you’re not on my ‘list’…. 😉
What about afternoon naps?
I love them. I’m very fortunate to be able to take them.
Where do you take them?
Usually in bed. Sometimes on the sofa. Occasionally face down on my laptop.
Why should we be interested in this?
Good question. I just know a lot of you will be jealous and I’m a very mean person.
I know. But you know what?
I don’t care. Go away now. I’m taking a nap…. 😉
What can’t you believe?
I can’t believe it’s the 2nd of January 2016.
The battery in my clock stopped. I thought it was 6.30am on the 1st and wondered why I was up so early. I thought it was because I needed to pee but then realised I didn’t. I actually went to the toilet on the 1st but didn’t flush. That’s when I knew something was up… Instead of ‘down’….
I can’t argue with that.
So what did you do on the 1st day of the new year?
Don’t have a clue. I’m checking online and waiting for the police to knock on my door.
Is that likely?
Like I said. I don’t have a clue. I can only hope they have some witness reports. Possibly CCTV footage. But if anyone’s missing a prosthetic limb then I may be able to assist.
You need help…
Agreed. But at least I have a leg to stand on. Four of them…. 😉
Well. After a completely sleepless night, thanks to my delightful neighbors, I’m at a loss what to write about today. So I thought I’d give you an update on my acolyte, Twig-Twog, and his continued search for divine enlightenment.
Wouldn’t you rather vent and describe the many ways in which you’d like to murder your neighbors?
Well. I would but I shan’t. I shall rise above it and talk about Twiggers instead.
I thought he annoyed you?
Well, he does. But like they say – “The better of two evils”
Twig-Twog is still obsessed with me. His messiah. But he has adopted new (slightly creepy) tactics.
Rather than sitting at my knee, gazing adoringly at me from one static position.
He now has a new strategy.
What does he do now?
Good question. He now attempts to set my mind more at rest. He still adopts the same position but farther away.
Well that’s better isn’t it? You said his close proximity was disturbing your writing.
You’d think. But it’s a ruse. A bluff. When I look away he quickly edges closer then adopts exactly the same posture. Stealth tactics. He thinks I won’t notice as he moves in for the ‘kill’.
N.B. ‘Kill’ in this sense means me capitulating to his silent (yet fervent) demands and picking him up and giving him a ‘stroke’ or ‘cuddle’. The cat equivalent of me waving a white flag and signing a detrimental peace treaty and demands for reparations.
Aw. That’s cute!
No it isn’t. Ever see that Dr Who episode with the moving angel statues that only crept up on you when you weren’t looking? It won several awards and was called Blink. The aliens were called Weeping Angels.
Ah. I can see why you’re a bit freaked…
Too right. Anyone want a ‘cat’ for Christmas? He’s very cute.
Last night we found it difficult to get to sleep. We didn’t feel comfortable. Something was wrong. We were both tense and had a feeling something was very, very wrong. There was a sense of impending doom. Something amiss. Not quite – right. Was there a cat in the room? Perhaps a snake or a spider? Could we subconsciously smell smoke? Was there an intruder outside the door clutching a knife or a chainsaw?
Finally we worked it out…
It was TOO quiet…
Now, we live on a busy road in Central London. On the edge of Peckham, scene of urban riots and crime – well known home of Del and Rodney (The Nags Head is only a five minute walk away). We’re also very close to Kings College Hospital with the busiest A&E department in Europe. We are underneath the flightpath of three airports and a helipad. The fire station is just around the corner. We can see the local train station. Our neighbors fall into the ‘nightmare’ category. In other words – it’s busy…
Last night (Saturday night) – nothing. Nada. Zilch. No loud music from passing cars or nearby parties. No sirens. No rolling drunks walking past. No aeroplanes passing overhead. No dogs barking or cats going ‘allo, ‘allo looking for a romantic liaison. No kids screaming.
It was unsettling and nerve-wracking. We were both in cold sweats. What to do? How on earth could we go to sleep with all this silence?
In the end it was easy. The solution was right in front of us.
We put the TV on and fortunately there was a repeat of The Jeremy Kyle Show followed by Jerry Springer.
A poem inspired by one of my favorite songs from a previous existence – just younger, I don’t think I’m an older spirit reincarnated, (Although I wouldn’t mind coming back so maybe this is my first life?)
The song is In Like Flynn by Girls Against Boys from their album Venus Luxure No.1 Baby – you can listen to it on Spotify here –
or YouTube here – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyWhuKMlupo
I would really advise reading the poem WHILST listening to the track – I think it’s a good combined experience but that’s probably just me (and my big head..) 😉
by Carl Baumann
Go In Like Flynn
not an old has-been
Go In Like Flynn
not a too Gentle Insider Losing Faith
bringing decay from within
Go In Like Flynn
bring strength not excuses
don’t Give Into Lack lustre Frauds
remember your Fight
don’t Give Into Lying Fright
at your reflection
Giving Into Life’s Frictions
Instead take heart
and break the mirror
Go In Like Flynn
Or not. Up to you…