Adversity, Age, Batman, Behaviour, Bigotry, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, bright side of life, Commentary, Fantasy, General Humor, General Humour, Growing up

Things I’m no good at – Part 2. Harbouring resentment…

You have to be seriously ‘effing kidding Carl. You! No good at resentment? You’re ‘aving a giraffe mate…

No, it’s true. I can’t do it anymore. Not always the case admittedly. When I was a teenager I could sulk for days. Literally days. And in later life I could build a grudge into a beast of horrific proportions and ‘I pity the fool’ that would dare to cross me..

But now? What, so you’re some saintly character that can ‘forgive and forget’ with nary a backward glance?

Kinda…

I don’t believe you.

That’s unfortunate but I forgive you kind reader…

Pffftttt…

Ok, I may be exaggerating a little but with the state of the world (and recent personal experiences) I’ve found that being upset all the time is just too exhausting.

So you’ve decided to adopt a brighter outlook and sense of optimism and leave all the bad feelings to others?

Yes, but I secretly now despise all those who whinge about their situation, political leaders, natural disasters and those who perpetrate violence and bigotry to others. I also secretly work incognito behind the scenes to punish wrong-doers and bring bring happiness and justice to the world…

Like some kind of costumed, incognito superhero? Like Batman or The Arrow or Wonder Woman?

YES! Exactly like that. But in secret without anyone knowing a thing…

Ummm…?

What?

Do you not see what you just did?

Oh. Bollocks. 😦

 

 

 

 

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Adversity, Awkward Situations, Behaviour, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Challenge, Commentary, Conversation, General Humor, General Humour, Had enough, Humor

Things I’m no good at – Part 1. Plastic Bags…

Shouldn’t the first thing on your list be writing good blogs?

F*** off. That was a cheap shot…

Ok, you’re right. That was an easy win. So, what is it with you and plastic bags?

Thanks for the apology. Doesn’t mean you’re off the list though. Anyway, I have issues with plastic bags. I find them very frustrating and a constant source of embarrassment…

Huh? Frustrating? Because they always break?

No. Because I can’t open them. I can seperate them off the roll etc. but I cannot for the life of me get them to open in order to put things in. Rubbing them between my hands, breathing on them, licking my finger-tips, picking with my nails…. They frustrate me every time, refusing to part their ‘lips’ and I always have to ask someone (usually the shop assistant ) to help me… (And yes, I do appreciate the irony there…)

Ooohhh, this does sound serious. Are you harbouring any thoughts of self-harm? Have you made any plans?

F*** you… You’re at the top of the list now. My question is this… Am I the only one? Is there anyone else out there that has the same affliction?

Are you looking for a date? Are you really that lonely?

That’s it… I really am after you now. I would asphyxiate you with with a plastic bag over the head and some duct-tape but…. *sigh* I can’t ever find the end of the duct-tape either… (Ironically)

Annoyances, Behaviour, Bigotry, Blog, Commentary, Humor

Morbidly Obese Cock Womble

Ok Carl… You’ve certainly come up with interesting things before (Sometimes) but this one is definitely raising the bar…

Well, do you share a property with someone who is, let us say, a little unpredictable on occasion?

Nope. We come to you for the crazy…

Ah. Good for you. I’m very happy knowing your life is ‘normal’.

So, tell us, what is a morbidly obese cock womble?

Have you ever woken in the morning to find offensive graffiti on your front door and a sad attempt to stick it shut with duct tape? – Because apparently it’s, and I quote, ‘Funny’?

Can’t say I have.

Well, welcome to my life. Being the calm natured person I am it was only reasonable (In my opinion) to break into his flat, steal his permanent marker and return the ‘favour’. That too is funny IMHO….

Hence – Morbidly Obese Cock Womble every time he sticks the key in the door…

cock-womble

Anger, Annoyances, Behaviour, Blogging, Blogs, Commentary

Why can’t it be simple?

Hey! I didn’t realise you were still blogging?

Well. I’ve been busy. Battling.

Battling who?

Who you got?

Hmmmm. That seems a little adversarial if you don’t mind me saying.

Well I do mind. I did warn you. I’m in ‘battling’ mode.

Ohhh Kayyy. Well I don’t want to get on your bad side. Would you mind telling us who’s upset you?

Bureaucracy. Bureaucrats. Public servants who seem to put paperwork, budgets and their own sense of self-importance above basic human decency.

Aaah. Now I’m beginning to understand. Why do you think that is?

I’d love to know myself. It seems that somewhere along the line people have forgotten that we’re all in this together and should try to make life easier for all of us to enjoy. Still, if being a mean-spirited, selfish person makes you feel better then I suppose that’s a basic human right.

That’s very noble of you. You surprise me.

I’m lying. I’m lulling you into a false sense of security before I destroy you and everything you hold dear with extreme prejudice.

Yay! That’s more like the Carl we know and love. 🙂

Make the most of it. And just hope you’re not on my ‘list’…. 😉

Bad habits, Behaviour, Blogging, Blogs, Commentary

Afternoon naps…

What about afternoon naps?

I love them. I’m very fortunate to be able to take them.

Where do you take them?

Usually in bed. Sometimes on the sofa. Occasionally face down on my laptop.

Why should we be interested in this?

Good question. I just know a lot of you will be jealous and I’m a very mean person.

You are.

I know. But you know what?

What?

I don’t care. Go away now. I’m taking a nap…. 😉

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Can’t believe it….

What can’t you believe?

I can’t believe it’s the 2nd of January 2016.

Why’s that?

The battery in my clock stopped. I thought it was 6.30am on the 1st and wondered why I was up so early. I thought it was because I needed to pee but then realised I didn’t. I actually went to the toilet on the 1st but didn’t flush. That’s when I knew something was up… Instead of ‘down’….

That’s gross…

I can’t argue with that.

So what did you do on the 1st day of the new year?

Don’t have a clue. I’m checking online and waiting for the police to knock on my door.

Is that likely?

Like I said. I don’t have a clue. I can only hope they have some witness reports. Possibly CCTV footage. But if anyone’s missing a prosthetic limb then I may be able to assist.

You need help…

Agreed. But at least I have a leg to stand on. Four of them…. 😉

Acknowledgement, Annoyances, Annoying, Behaviour, Blogging, Blogs, Cats, Commentary, Fear, Horror, Humor

An update on my ‘follower’

Well. After a completely sleepless night, thanks to my delightful neighbors, I’m at a loss what to write about today. So I thought I’d give you an update on my acolyte, Twig-Twog, and his continued search for divine enlightenment.

Wouldn’t you rather vent and describe the many ways in which you’d like to murder your neighbors?

Well. I would but I shan’t. I shall rise above it and talk about Twiggers instead.

I thought he annoyed you?

Well, he does. But like they say – “The better of two evils”

Twig-Twog is still obsessed with me. His messiah. But he has adopted new (slightly creepy) tactics.

Rather than sitting at my knee, gazing adoringly at me from one static position.

Twigs

He now has a new strategy.

What does he do now?

Good question. He now attempts to set my mind more at rest. He still adopts the same position but farther away.

Well that’s better isn’t it? You said his close proximity was disturbing your writing.

You’d think. But it’s a ruse. A bluff. When I look away he quickly edges closer then adopts exactly the same posture. Stealth tactics. He thinks I won’t notice as he moves in for the ‘kill’.

N.B. ‘Kill’ in this sense means me capitulating to his silent (yet fervent) demands and picking him up and giving him a ‘stroke’ or ‘cuddle’. The cat equivalent of me waving a white flag and signing a detrimental peace treaty and demands for reparations.

Aw. That’s cute!

No it isn’t. Ever see that Dr Who episode with the moving angel statues that only crept up on you when you weren’t looking? It won several awards and was called Blink. The aliens were called Weeping Angels.

weeping angel

Ah. I can see why you’re a bit freaked…

Too right. Anyone want a ‘cat’ for Christmas? He’s very cute.

Honest….