Adversity, Age, Batman, Behaviour, Bigotry, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, bright side of life, Commentary, Fantasy, General Humor, General Humour, Growing up

Things I’m no good at – Part 2. Harbouring resentment…

You have to be seriously ‘effing kidding Carl. You! No good at resentment? You’re ‘aving a giraffe mate…

No, it’s true. I can’t do it anymore. Not always the case admittedly. When I was a teenager I could sulk for days. Literally days. And in later life I could build a grudge into a beast of horrific proportions and ‘I pity the fool’ that would dare to cross me..

But now? What, so you’re some saintly character that can ‘forgive and forget’ with nary a backward glance?

Kinda…

I don’t believe you.

That’s unfortunate but I forgive you kind reader…

Pffftttt…

Ok, I may be exaggerating a little but with the state of the world (and recent personal experiences) I’ve found that being upset all the time is just too exhausting.

So you’ve decided to adopt a brighter outlook and sense of optimism and leave all the bad feelings to others?

Yes, but I secretly now despise all those who whinge about their situation, political leaders, natural disasters and those who perpetrate violence and bigotry to others. I also secretly work incognito behind the scenes to punish wrong-doers and bring bring happiness and justice to the world…

Like some kind of costumed, incognito superhero? Like Batman or The Arrow or Wonder Woman?

YES! Exactly like that. But in secret without anyone knowing a thing…

Ummm…?

What?

Do you not see what you just did?

Oh. Bollocks. đŸ˜¦

 

 

 

 

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Adversity, Awkward Situations, Behaviour, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Challenge, Commentary, Conversation, General Humor, General Humour, Had enough, Humor

Things I’m no good at – Part 1. Plastic Bags…

Shouldn’t the first thing on your list be writing good blogs?

F*** off. That was a cheap shot…

Ok, you’re right. That was an easy win. So, what is it with you and plastic bags?

Thanks for the apology. Doesn’t mean you’re off the list though. Anyway, I have issues with plastic bags. I find them very frustrating and a constant source of embarrassment…

Huh? Frustrating? Because they always break?

No. Because I can’t open them. I can seperate them off the roll etc. but I cannot for the life of me get them to open in order to put things in. Rubbing them between my hands, breathing on them, licking my finger-tips, picking with my nails…. They frustrate me every time, refusing to part their ‘lips’ and I always have to ask someone (usually the shop assistant ) to help me… (And yes, I do appreciate the irony there…)

Ooohhh, this does sound serious. Are you harbouring any thoughts of self-harm? Have you made any plans?

F*** you… You’re at the top of the list now. My question is this… Am I the only one? Is there anyone else out there that has the same affliction?

Are you looking for a date? Are you really that lonely?

That’s it… I really am after you now. I would asphyxiate you with with a plastic bag over the head and some duct-tape but…. *sigh* I can’t ever find the end of the duct-tape either… (Ironically)

Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Education, Language

Flavourful vs. Flavoursome

What do you find flavoursome Carl?

Well, that’s my point. I find NOTHING flavoursome!

So what do you find flavorful then?

Again, NOTHING! I hate both words. They both make my skin crawl. Everytime I hear them I want to scream at the person who dared to use them and give them a slap.

But why? They’re both real words. They’re both in the dictionary.

I’m aware of that. However I hate them, they’re both horrible, they don’t sound right and they should be banished from the English language forever.

Who made you the god of language?

*Sigh* No-one. Unfortunately. But I will say this, there’s nothing wrong with ‘tasty’…

 

Adversity, Angst, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Commentary

Therein lie the stuffing…

Is that you Carl? It’s alive! Alive… Alive… alive…

Yes. I’m still on the planet… allegedly...

Ooh, you’re not sounding your usual bolshoi self…

Yeah, it’s been a funny old year, kinda had the stuffing knocked out of me.

Sorry to hear that, although it does almost explain the weird title…

Well, part of my stuffing (that has been temporarily knocked out) must be creativity because I’ve been bereft of inspiration.

But there’s been so much going on in the world! Don’t you have any opinions anymore?

Of course I do but do I want to talk about them? No, I don’t. I’ve been converted by the old adage – ‘If you don’t have anything good to say then keep your bloody mouth shut because there’s more than enough misery as it is…’

Is that really how the saying goes?

Yes, sod off. My blog, my rules. (Hmmm, maybe a little bit of stuffing remains?)

We certainly hope so, we’ve missed your snarky takes on current events and human behaviour.

Well I promise I’ll try harder from now on. But no whinging or depressing stuff. You can watch the news for that.

So what’s next?

I’ve been cooking a lot recently. I may make some bread-crumbs and try my hand at stuffing.

Well, enjoy!

‘Eff off…

Fuck_Rob

 

 

 

Annoyances, Annoying, Blog, Commentary, Criticism

“My Gran died last night :'( ” – Really? Which one?

OMG! You didn’t really say that did you Carl?

No. Of course not. But I am trying to make a point.

Uh oh. Is this going to be a rant?

It was. But I’m going to hold myself back. I’m getting so sick of all the misery on Facebook at the moment that I’m actually starting to hate my ‘Friends’. I nearly deleted my account last night and I’ve been on it since 2007.

What do you mean ‘misery’?

Well, maybe it’s the time of year, but why does every bit of misfortune that befalls anyone have to be put out there for all and sundry to take discomfort from? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unsympathetic but I’m starting to feel pressurised to ‘care’ about a lot of stuff when in fact I could give a shit.

Don’t read it then.

Ah! That good old stock answer. My reply – don’t write it. Keep personal stuff exactly that – personal. I’m very sorry that you’re dead, dying, diagnosed with something horrible or that your penis is a bit scabby but tell me in a PM please. *Sigh*. – Rant over. Got it out of my system.

What are you going to do now?

Check the updates on the ‘friends’ I don’t really like and see if anything nasty has happened to them. I know they’ll make a big deal of telling everyone and it’ll cheer me up.

Awkward Situations, Blog, bright side of life, Commentary, Humor, Irony

Blank stares in Vegas

*Sigh* – Not another post about Vegas…

Yes, get over it. There may be a few. The States was a great source of fresh material and I have a burning desire to make your lives more miserable with it. Seeing it’s Xmas and all.

So what’s this one about?

I’m glad you asked. Well, when I got there I was looking forward to hearing all the “How’s it going today Sir?” and “You have a nice day.” and all that. It amused me. For a bit.

Then?

Well, I got a bit judgemental and started mental scoring people on the effort they put into their greeting and sincerity in the delivery and width and brightness of smile.

What were the results?

Bit variable. I reckon 40% really good (They were either drunk, high or just looking to make the day less dull) and then there were the other 60% – resentful, bored, uninterested and generally wishing they could do just about anything else (Like get drunk or high).

So what did you do?

I tried to cheer them up by being cheery, enthusiastic and effusive in my thanks.

How did that work out?

An awful lot of blank stares. Once threatened with security being called. There was one exception though – Vanessa.

Who’s Vanessa?

The girl who checked me in at the hotel. The second person I spoke to since arriving in Las Vegas.

That’s nice. She appreciated your humour then?

Unsurprisingly yes. She was English and came from Crystal Palace in London. A mile away from where I live….

Annoyances, Arguments, Blog, Commentary, Drinks, Humor

That is NOT an ‘effing Margarita…

Oh dear Carl. What happened?

Well. *DEEP SIGH* I was out in Las Vegas being taken for dinner by friends last week…

And?

Well. We were seated and the waitress naturally asked us if we would like drinks. I spied two ladies drinking from cocktail glasses with white crystals around the rim and the light bulb switched on in my mouth.

Ah, you thought they were drinking Margaritas?

Yes. My all-time favourite cocktail. My number one each and every time. Drunk them all over the world.

So?

I ordered one.

And?

I got a snow-cone.

Ah… Did you make her cry?

Not at first. I asked her WTF it was. She dutifully replied it was a Margarita.

Hmmm… What did you say?

It took me a few seconds to think of a response. I finally came up the witty response “No the **** it isn’t. Margaritas don’t have ice in them and they certainly don’t come in half-pint glasses. They come in glasses like that!”, pointing at the empty conical glasses on the other table.

“Oh no Sir, they’re for Daiquiris…”

At this point I began to cry and ordered beer instead. It arrived in a soup bowl…