*Sigh* – Not another post about Vegas…
Yes, get over it. There may be a few. The States was a great source of fresh material and I have a burning desire to make your lives more miserable with it. Seeing it’s Xmas and all.
So what’s this one about?
I’m glad you asked. Well, when I got there I was looking forward to hearing all the “How’s it going today Sir?” and “You have a nice day.” and all that. It amused me. For a bit.
Well, I got a bit judgemental and started mental scoring people on the effort they put into their greeting and sincerity in the delivery and width and brightness of smile.
What were the results?
Bit variable. I reckon 40% really good (They were either drunk, high or just looking to make the day less dull) and then there were the other 60% – resentful, bored, uninterested and generally wishing they could do just about anything else (Like get drunk or high).
So what did you do?
I tried to cheer them up by being cheery, enthusiastic and effusive in my thanks.
How did that work out?
An awful lot of blank stares. Once threatened with security being called. There was one exception though – Vanessa.
The girl who checked me in at the hotel. The second person I spoke to since arriving in Las Vegas.
That’s nice. She appreciated your humour then?
Unsurprisingly yes. She was English and came from Crystal Palace in London. A mile away from where I live….
You’re a bit ashamed? Should we really ask Carl?
Mmmmm… I’d rather you didn’t.
Red rag to a bull. Go on, what did you do now?
I got a new phone.
It works properly. And It’s got two cameras.
Hardly big news.
I know. BUT…..
*sigh* – What did you do?
I took some selfies. Something I totally disapprove of. And it’s caused some health issues.
Seriously? What could’ve possibly happened?
It’s left me a little horse….
Man it’s been hot in London today. 33 degrees, blistering, painful even.
And what’s that got to do with looking cool?
Well. I’m in shorts and a very thin tee and venture out on the bus to go to the swimming pool.
So, I’m on this bus and the sweat is pouring into my eyes, my headphones fell off off because not enough friction. I’m using my swimming towel to wipe myself down and lamenting my lack of foresight to bring a bottle of water.
Every time I look out of the window there are all these kids walking around with their hoods up, wearing woolen hats. Hell, I even saw one in a North Face Puffa jacket? (Yes, not that it matters but they were all black)
I was thinking, how can you do that? Do you not know how ****ing hot it is for crying out loud? Were you born without sweat glands?
Anyway. I went for my swim and I even sweated 3 ounces in the pool. Afterwards I met with a friend for a coffee and a chat. For coffee read 3 pints of iced water.
A mutual West Indian friend of ours stopped by where we sitting on the street (He’s a delivery driver) and when he gets out of the van he starts kicking it and swearing about how he can’t believe his company bought him a new van and didn’t think to get one with air conditioning.
He sees us and says hi, and he’s sweating his cojones off even just wearing a vest and shorts.
I say – “Thank god! Black men can sweat! What is it with all these kids wrapped up like it’s January?”
He replied – “Oh, they do it to look cool… Idiots”
I bought him a Frappachino…
What can’t you believe?
I can’t believe it’s the 2nd of January 2016.
The battery in my clock stopped. I thought it was 6.30am on the 1st and wondered why I was up so early. I thought it was because I needed to pee but then realised I didn’t. I actually went to the toilet on the 1st but didn’t flush. That’s when I knew something was up… Instead of ‘down’….
I can’t argue with that.
So what did you do on the 1st day of the new year?
Don’t have a clue. I’m checking online and waiting for the police to knock on my door.
Is that likely?
Like I said. I don’t have a clue. I can only hope they have some witness reports. Possibly CCTV footage. But if anyone’s missing a prosthetic limb then I may be able to assist.
You need help…
Agreed. But at least I have a leg to stand on. Four of them…. 😉
You broke a nail? A big metal nail? With a hammer?
No. A fingernail. And technically I didn’t break it. I cut it. With a knife.
A big rusty sword? An enchanted axe? An ogre killer?
No. A small kitchen knife.
Ooh! Were you fending off a burglar? A serial killer? Pirates?
No. I was chopping potatoes.
Oh. We expected more of you.
*Sigh*. I’m not saying I’m proud of it. But my partner is ill and so I’m cooking, cleaning, doing the washing, making cups of tea etc. etc.
Doesn’t sound like you….
True. But I am managing to maintain my macho, bad-boy image…
I didn’t fold the end of the toilet-paper into a little triangle. Still a rebel at heart.
Oooh. You’re a bigger man than me.
That would mean more if you weren’t a little girl… Hah! The bitch is back!
Remember the old saying?
It never rains but it pours.
Well. It’s one of those days today. I have no intention of telling you any of the details but today, this week, is one of those times.
Sorry to hear that.
Thank you. But no need to worry. My problems are not yours. Shit happens.
That’s very stoic.
Again. Thank you. I appreciate it. But what are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
I’m going to suck it up. Look on the bright side. Things could be worse. There’s another saying, which personally I think is horrible –
“There’s always someone worse off than you.”
Unfortunately it is. But it does make me wonder. Who is at the bottom of the pile?
What do you mean Carl?
Well. If there is always someone worse off than you, who is the person who has it worse than everyone else? There are only so many people on the planet. Who exactly is the person who has it worst? Presumably there must be that one person?
Ahh. I see what you mean. Kind of.
That guy needs help, sympathy and support more than me. And you.
So let’s all take a moment to think about that person.
Ok. How about we set up a Just Giving page?
Great idea. – My PayPal account is ******.
Don’t worry. This is going to be interesting and funny. Not morbid and depressing.
Know the expression ‘Kick the bucket’? – there are loads of potential theories for where this expression come from – see here for a list.
I have a new proposal –
Kick the safe
This phrase has a clear explanation – Almost everyone has heard of Jack Daniel right? Well, Jack got frustrated one day and kicked the safe in his office. Then he got gangrene in his foot and died from it. There you go – He kicked the safe! Simple …
Beaten to death
Most people are under the mistaken impression that Harry Houdini drowned performing his most famous stunt – escaping from a nailed packing container, suspended in water whilst manacled. No – he died for a completely different reason. He was famous for being able to withstand punches to the abdomen. That’s true, he could, but he needed to prepare himself first. A student once struck him several times without allowing him the time to do so. He died on stage that night from a ruptured appendix. Bloody hell!
Death is in the eye of the beholder
Tennessee Williams needed to use eyedrops. One day he held the cap for the medicine in his mouth before applying the medicine. He sucked it in and choked to death. A warning to us all. Drugs kill!
Hen-pecked to death
Sir Francis Bacon tried to prove to Queen Elizabeth I that a chicken could be preserved by packing it with ice. He caught a cold standing in the snow trying it and died. Shame, because technically he was right!
Hope you enjoyed those few little known facts. Question for you …
When you die … How are YOU going to make it interesting?