bright side of life, Commentary, General Humour

Life of Bryan. It’s all about the tea and biscuits.

Ummm, Carl?


Shouldn’t it be Life of Brian?

Nope. I’ve been told without question that it’s Bryan with a Y.

OK, not sure we understand but undoubtedly you’ve got an explanation.

I do.

*Sigh* – So who is Bryan, with a Y?

He’s an employee of a friend. He does the gardening. Allegedly.

Why only allegedly?

I’m getting the feeling it’s only a job title. My friends garden isn’t going to be winning any awards soon or featured on a BBC lifestyle show.

Why is this any concern of yours?

It isn’t, but well, you know, he’s not young and needs the work and there’s all this concern about Windrush at the moment. It’s a hot topic.

OMG! Is he going to get deported because of working and living illegally?

Good question. He seems to be in the kitchen looking for tea and biscuits more than in the garden. Might be he’s staying out of sight of the authorities. Do you think it’s possible my friend might be unwittingly harbouring a fugitive?

Hopefully not. Poor souls, both of them. Is your friend West Indian as well?

As well as what?

Is she West Indian like Bryan? The spelling makes more sense now.

Bryan isn’t West Indian. He’s from Brighton.

Brighton is in Jamaica! He must be West Indian.

He’s from Brighton in East Sussex you dolt.

So why are you worried about him being deported?

I’m not worrying about him being deported! I’m visiting soon and just worried all the biscuits will be gone and there’ll be nowhere to sit in the garden now the weather’s turned nice. Seriously, I don’t know where your mind goes sometimes… Pfffttt, I need better readers and followers.

We hate you sometimes Carl.


Bad habits, Blog, bright side of life, Commentary, General Humour, masturbation, sex

Things I’m no good at – Part 6 – Being ambisextrous…

Sorry, what? Don’t you mean ambidextrous? Losing your spelling skills there Carl?

No, not in the slightest. Apparently (according to my dinner guests) it’s a thing.

Are we going to regret asking this?

Asking what?

*Sigh* – Ok then, what does ‘ambisextrous’ mean? And what type of people do you invite to your dinner parties?

I thought you’d never ask. Well, they’re usually a combination of old friends and some new faces. Always charming, sometimes polite and almost always don’t suffer severe food poisoning afterwards.

Almost always?

That’s for another blog…

Great. However it’s the ‘ambisextrous’ bit we are more interested in…

Apparently it’s the word used to describe the ability to *ahem* masturbate using either of your hands.

I see. And is there any benefit to being able to do this? Is it like sitting on your hand until it goes numb then imagining it’s someone else?

I don’t believe so. I think it’s merely the word used to describe the ability. So I guess it would be useful if you were to lose the use of your dominant hand due to injury etc.

Ah, your using the word ‘dominant’ there is interesting. Is that perhaps something to do with it?

I don’t think so. That’s just you.

Is there any point to this discussion?

Not really. I just like the word and wanted to ‘get it out there’…

What else do you talk about at your dinner parties?

Ummm, the weather mostly. And cat-goosing.


Topic for another day dear reader.

Sometimes, Carl, you’re a real ambisextrouser…

I know.

Adversity, Age, Batman, Behaviour, Bigotry, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, bright side of life, Commentary, Fantasy, General Humor, General Humour, Growing up

Things I’m no good at – Part 2 – Harbouring resentment…

You have to be seriously ‘effing kidding Carl. You! No good at resentment? You’re ‘aving a giraffe mate…

No, it’s true. I can’t do it anymore. Not always the case admittedly. When I was a teenager I could sulk for days. Literally days. And in later life I could build a grudge into a beast of horrific proportions and ‘I pity the fool’ that would dare to cross me..

But now? What, so you’re some saintly character that can ‘forgive and forget’ with nary a backward glance?


I don’t believe you.

That’s unfortunate but I forgive you kind reader…


Ok, I may be exaggerating a little but with the state of the world (and recent personal experiences) I’ve found that being upset all the time is just too exhausting.

So you’ve decided to adopt a brighter outlook and sense of optimism and leave all the bad feelings to others?

Yes, but I secretly now despise all those who whinge about their situation, political leaders, natural disasters and those who perpetrate violence and bigotry to others. I also secretly work incognito behind the scenes to punish wrong-doers and bring bring happiness and justice to the world…

Like some kind of costumed, incognito superhero? Like Batman or The Arrow or Wonder Woman?

YES! Exactly like that. But in secret without anyone knowing a thing…



Do you not see what you just did?

Oh. Bollocks. 😦





Awkward Situations, Blog, bright side of life, Commentary, Humor, Irony

Blank stares in Vegas

*Sigh* – Not another post about Vegas…

Yes, get over it. There may be a few. The States was a great source of fresh material and I have a burning desire to make your lives more miserable with it. Seeing it’s Xmas and all.

So what’s this one about?

I’m glad you asked. Well, when I got there I was looking forward to hearing all the “How’s it going today Sir?” and “You have a nice day.” and all that. It amused me. For a bit.


Well, I got a bit judgemental and started mental scoring people on the effort they put into their greeting and sincerity in the delivery and width and brightness of smile.

What were the results?

Bit variable. I reckon 40% really good (They were either drunk, high or just looking to make the day less dull) and then there were the other 60% – resentful, bored, uninterested and generally wishing they could do just about anything else (Like get drunk or high).

So what did you do?

I tried to cheer them up by being cheery, enthusiastic and effusive in my thanks.

How did that work out?

An awful lot of blank stares. Once threatened with security being called. There was one exception though – Vanessa.

Who’s Vanessa?

The girl who checked me in at the hotel. The second person I spoke to since arriving in Las Vegas.

That’s nice. She appreciated your humour then?

Unsurprisingly yes. She was English and came from Crystal Palace in London. A mile away from where I live….

Blogging, Blogs, bright side of life, Commentary, Humor

Bit ashamed….

You’re a bit ashamed? Should we really ask Carl?

Mmmmm… I’d rather you didn’t.

Red rag to a bull. Go on, what did you do now?

I got a new phone.


It works properly. And It’s got two cameras.

Hardly big news.

I know. BUT…..

*sigh* – What did you do?

I took some selfies. Something I totally disapprove of. And it’s caused some health issues.

Seriously? What could’ve possibly happened?

It’s left me a little horse….


Blogging, Blogs, bright side of life, Commentary, Humor, Idiots

Being ‘cool’ – how can they do it?

Man it’s been hot in London today. 33 degrees, blistering, painful even.

And what’s that got to do with looking cool?

Well. I’m in shorts and a very thin tee and venture out on the bus to go to the swimming pool.


So, I’m on this bus and the sweat is pouring into my eyes, my headphones fell off off because not enough friction. I’m using my swimming towel to wipe myself down and lamenting my lack of foresight to bring a bottle of water.


Every time I look out of the window there are all these kids walking around with their hoods up, wearing woolen hats. Hell, I even saw one in a North Face Puffa jacket? (Yes, not that it matters but they were all black)


I was thinking, how can you do that? Do you not know how ****ing hot it is for crying out loud? Were you born without sweat glands?


Anyway. I went for my swim and I even sweated 3 ounces in the pool. Afterwards I met with a friend for a coffee and a chat. For coffee read 3 pints of iced water.


A mutual West Indian friend of ours stopped by where we sitting on the street (He’s a delivery driver) and when he gets out of the van he starts kicking it and swearing about how he can’t believe his company bought him a new van and didn’t think to get one with air conditioning.


He sees us and says hi, and he’s sweating his cojones off even just wearing a vest and shorts.


I say – “Thank god! Black men can sweat! What is it with all these kids wrapped up like it’s January?”


He replied – “Oh, they do it to look cool… Idiots”

I bought him a Frappachino…


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Can’t believe it….

What can’t you believe?

I can’t believe it’s the 2nd of January 2016.

Why’s that?

The battery in my clock stopped. I thought it was 6.30am on the 1st and wondered why I was up so early. I thought it was because I needed to pee but then realised I didn’t. I actually went to the toilet on the 1st but didn’t flush. That’s when I knew something was up… Instead of ‘down’….

That’s gross…

I can’t argue with that.

So what did you do on the 1st day of the new year?

Don’t have a clue. I’m checking online and waiting for the police to knock on my door.

Is that likely?

Like I said. I don’t have a clue. I can only hope they have some witness reports. Possibly CCTV footage. But if anyone’s missing a prosthetic limb then I may be able to assist.

You need help…

Agreed. But at least I have a leg to stand on. Four of them…. 😉