Adversity, Awkward Situations, Behaviour, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Challenge, Commentary, Conversation, General Humor, General Humour, Had enough, Humor

Things I’m no good at – Part 1 – Plastic Bags…

Shouldn’t the first thing on your list be writing good blogs?

F*** off. That was a cheap shot…

Ok, you’re right. That was an easy win. So, what is it with you and plastic bags?

Thanks for the apology. Doesn’t mean you’re off the list though. Anyway, I have issues with plastic bags. I find them very frustrating and a constant source of embarrassment…

Huh? Frustrating? Because they always break?

No. Because I can’t open them. I can seperate them off the roll etc. but I cannot for the life of me get them to open in order to put things in. Rubbing them between my hands, breathing on them, licking my finger-tips, picking with my nails…. They frustrate me every time, refusing to part their ‘lips’ and I always have to ask someone (usually the shop assistant ) to help me… (And yes, I do appreciate the irony there…)

Ooohhh, this does sound serious. Are you harbouring any thoughts of self-harm? Have you made any plans?

F*** you… You’re at the top of the list now. My question is this… Am I the only one? Is there anyone else out there that has the same affliction?

Are you looking for a date? Are you really that lonely?

That’s it… I really am after you now. I would asphyxiate you with with a plastic bag over the head and some duct-tape but…. *sigh* I can’t ever find the end of the duct-tape either… (Ironically)

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Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Conversation, Snails

Time for a snail…

What do you mean it’s time for a snail you maniac?

Well. Two reasons. A) I haven’t blogged for ages, and B) I learn’t yesterday that someone I know has a phobia about snails and I’m mean…

That is mean. So what are you going to say about snails?

Good question. I used to live in a part of North London that had a very ‘ethnic’ high street. Outside some shops you used to see baskets full of African Land Snails. Now these guys are HUGE! I mean really, really big. And fast.

Fast?

OK. That part was a lie. But they are enormous. And quite the delicacy I’m led to believe.

Boy. Can you buy huge garlic to go with them?

I doubt it. But you could always just buy lots of garlic instead.

So you would you need a special fork to eat them with?

Yes. But I believe it’s called a trident.

That would make sense. So how do you cook them?

I have no idea. I never managed to catch one. They’re not as fast as I said earlier but they are slippery customers…

land snail

Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Conversation, Criticism, Musings, Philosophy, Religion

God, you have to be careful …

I made a HUGE mistake last night and paid the price in the full.

Why? What did you do?

I follow a site called Why Evolution Is True and made a ‘throw away’ comment regarding a scientist’s view on why organised religion can be considered a reason for Xenophobia. If you follow the link above you can see the trouble it caused. (Me) – Here is what I said –

Very interesting. I’m very happy to be an atheist (and I think too many people confuse that with agnostic). I believe in life after death, I believe in good and evil. I also believe in virgins. Doesn’t mean I have to blow myself up or string someone up on a cross just because they don’t share the same point of view. I also believe a great many people are idiots. So shoot me. 😉

OMG! – Did I get lambasted or what? I had a series of people go on to tell me I was an idiot and confused and must also believe in fairies etc. I felt like I was Penny in the room with Sheldon.

LaundryRoomLust

They took it upon themselves to ‘educate’ me in basic physics, biology, chemistry etc. in order to prove that any belief in any type of existence after death is ridiculous.

So what lesson did I learn from all these extremely educated people?

Don’t light a bonfire. Someone WILL piss on it.

Even if you lit it as a joke ….

Anxiety, Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Conversation, Fear, Zombies

Zombies cheer me up…

I critiqued a story by a peer yesterday and despite it being full of gore, violence and disturbing imagery it not only entertained but left me a bit warm and fuzzy.

You weirdo.

NO! Well maybe…

It wasn’t even about zombies per se. It featured a psycho ripping out the throats of people  in a bar. You can see the allusions though right?

So what was the feel good factor? I think it came from the comfort of the familiar and predictable. I knew  who was going to die and how. I knew the protagonist was going to get his head blown off or a broken pool cue through the eye. Although it was all described in a perfectly horrible way and made me go Eeuugghh… It was safe.

Carl, you really should seek help.

Wait. This does make a strange kind of sense.

“The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown” ― H.P. Lovecraft

Say what you like about zombies but (generally) they’re very predictable. They will try to eat you. They wont stop. They will turn up unexpectedly. In short, they’re known  and therefore not that scary.

At the risk of sounding incredibly misogynistic. No, there’s no risk. This IS incredibly misogynistic.

Give me a zombie over a pre-menstrual woman any day.

I’m running for cover now. I’m scared.

zombie heart
Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Conversation, Humor, Language

Stating the bloody obvious…

Apparently I’ve lost the ability to string a coherent sentence together…

‘Tiny things come in small packages.’ (No shit Sherlock…)

‘Are you cold? I’m cold. I think it’s cold.’ (Yes Carl. It’s cold.)

‘Can I see the remote? – ‘Well yes, unless you’ve gone blind you can see the remote. Do you want the remote?’ – ‘Yes please. Big Bang is on.’ (I should point out that ‘remote’ in this case means the remote controller. Not things far away…)

Well, my thought would be…’ Who else’s thought would it be? You can’t be about to think something. You’ve already thought it!

‘My burp tasted like fart.’ – Eeewww… That’s one thing no-one wants to hear…

‘Do you think I need a jacket?’ – ‘It’s December and it’s snowing. Of course you don’t -Idiot.’

‘I can’t decide what to wear.’ – ‘Please start with underpants and take it from there.’

‘I think the bus is coming’ – ‘What, that big red thing, two storeys high? Why would you think that?’

People worry about me.

I’m beginning to understand why…

Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Conversation, Humor

I’m pink therefore I’m spam…

“Without Spam we wouldn’t have been able to feed our army”. – Nikita Khrushchev

Spam is ‘mixed-up’ canned meat consisting mainly of pork shoulder plus additives. Of course many people believe it to contain more unsavoury cuts such as snout. The truth of this is debatable.

Why are you spam?

Easy. I too am a little ‘mixed-up’ and you can never be quite sure what you’re going to get. I talk about aliens, pants and Post Offices for crying out loud!

Why are you pink?

Well, I’m a little embarrassed writing this very personal piece plus if someone else can be a ‘color’ then so can I. I’m pink and if you’ve got a problem with that I shall out you on Twitter.

Do you contain unsavoury body parts?

Of course I do! I also have a few on the outside. People tell me I have nice eyes though.

Do you come in a can?

I could but I prefer to use a tissue.

Are you an urban legend and often appear in pop culture?

Respectively, no and I would like to but haven’t yet.

Will a comedy musical be based on you?

I would hope so and have started writing one in case I can find backers.

Who would star in it?

Well not me because my singing ability is questionable but I would like to do a guest cameo. Miley Cyrus would be my first choice for playing me with David Cameron a close second.

Have you ever cut your finger trying to open yourself?

Too many times to mention.

Have you ever been spammed?

Every day but I object to that term. I prefer ‘unsolicited marketing material’.

Why do you talk all this crap?

A team of experts is working on that as we speak.

Will you ever stop?

The public pressure to stop is large and growing but I’m hoping not to get battered. (sic)

Commentary, Conversation, Invention, Philosophy, Sci-fi

Why Post Offices are proof that aliens will not attack us…

WARNING! – This article may mess with your head!

I’ve been walking to the Post Office to send items, (eBay if you care), quite a few times over recent weeks. I’ve found that these stretches of my legs has released my mind to come up with ideas for my blog. –  Random Pants for example.

I just got back from this morning’s outing and decided I have to put this out there straight away. Now I love alien films. Predator, Alien, Mars Attacks, War of the Worlds, even Independence Day. The theme is the same – extraterrestrials hell bent on conquering or killing as many of us as possible.

Now here is a conundrum. Human beings are (mostly) considered to be the most intelligent species on the planet. It is this intelligence that has enabled us to create many wonderful things, from the wheel to sliced bread to a spaceship so that we can start exploring outside our atmosphere and send satellites to other planets. There is little doubt that we will one day be able to visit other solar systems.

BUT, what can be achieved without love? Not necessarily love of one person for another but love of science? Love of puzzle-solving? Love of achievement? Love of progress?

And if you require love to achieve these great advancements why would you then arbitrarily go out and slaughter the inhabitants of another world? Retribution? – For what? We haven’t left our own back-yard yet. And I have serious doubts that a primitive alien race would wake up one day and think –

Hey! I bet there’s some other world that we should go and kick the hell out of. Let’s invent the wheel!

The other argument is that we have some resource that they need or have run out of. Really? If they can visit one planet then surely they could visit and ransack uninhabited ones without having to go to the trouble of fighting us and possibly dying themselves?

They want to enslave us and make us work in their sex mines.

What? They can build spaceships and deathrays but not robots? Eh?

And what’s a sex mine?

Another argument could be that there are always a few bad eggs that DO have no other desire than to rule and punish/kill/be nasty to others but our own history has shown that this is a tactic that rarely succeeds and even if there were one alien ‘Hitler’ type then his own species would probably put him down before he got anywhere near the launchpad.

But they could ALL be bad eggs!

Self-defeating argument, someone that busy fighting themselves would never have the time and energy to build a spaceship and anyway –

Bad guys never win.

So there you have it. Aliens would definitely not attack us and it’s because of Post Offices…

And if they did, they wouldn’t win.