Bad habits, Blog, bright side of life, Commentary, General Humour, masturbation, sex

Things I’m no good at – Part 6 – Being ambisextrous…

Sorry, what? Don’t you mean ambidextrous? Losing your spelling skills there Carl?

No, not in the slightest. Apparently (according to my dinner guests) it’s a thing.

Are we going to regret asking this?

Asking what?

*Sigh* – Ok then, what does ‘ambisextrous’ mean? And what type of people do you invite to your dinner parties?

I thought you’d never ask. Well, they’re usually a combination of old friends and some new faces. Always charming, sometimes polite and almost always don’t suffer severe food poisoning afterwards.

Almost always?

That’s for another blog…

Great. However it’s the ‘ambisextrous’ bit we are more interested in…

Apparently it’s the word used to describe the ability to *ahem* masturbate using either of your hands.

I see. And is there any benefit to being able to do this? Is it like sitting on your hand until it goes numb then imagining it’s someone else?

I don’t believe so. I think it’s merely the word used to describe the ability. So I guess it would be useful if you were to lose the use of your dominant hand due to injury etc.

Ah, your using the word ‘dominant’ there is interesting. Is that perhaps something to do with it?

I don’t think so. That’s just you.

Is there any point to this discussion?

Not really. I just like the word and wanted to ‘get it out there’…

What else do you talk about at your dinner parties?

Ummm, the weather mostly. And cat-goosing.

Cat-goosing?

Topic for another day dear reader.

Sometimes, Carl, you’re a real ambisextrouser…

I know.

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Adversity, Age, Batman, Behaviour, Bigotry, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, bright side of life, Commentary, Fantasy, General Humor, General Humour, Growing up

Things I’m no good at – Part 2 – Harbouring resentment…

You have to be seriously ‘effing kidding Carl. You! No good at resentment? You’re ‘aving a giraffe mate…

No, it’s true. I can’t do it anymore. Not always the case admittedly. When I was a teenager I could sulk for days. Literally days. And in later life I could build a grudge into a beast of horrific proportions and ‘I pity the fool’ that would dare to cross me..

But now? What, so you’re some saintly character that can ‘forgive and forget’ with nary a backward glance?

Kinda…

I don’t believe you.

That’s unfortunate but I forgive you kind reader…

Pffftttt…

Ok, I may be exaggerating a little but with the state of the world (and recent personal experiences) I’ve found that being upset all the time is just too exhausting.

So you’ve decided to adopt a brighter outlook and sense of optimism and leave all the bad feelings to others?

Yes, but I secretly now despise all those who whinge about their situation, political leaders, natural disasters and those who perpetrate violence and bigotry to others. I also secretly work incognito behind the scenes to punish wrong-doers and bring bring happiness and justice to the world…

Like some kind of costumed, incognito superhero? Like Batman or The Arrow or Wonder Woman?

YES! Exactly like that. But in secret without anyone knowing a thing…

Ummm…?

What?

Do you not see what you just did?

Oh. Bollocks. 😦

 

 

 

 

Adversity, Awkward Situations, Behaviour, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Challenge, Commentary, Conversation, General Humor, General Humour, Had enough, Humor

Things I’m no good at – Part 1 – Plastic Bags…

Shouldn’t the first thing on your list be writing good blogs?

F*** off. That was a cheap shot…

Ok, you’re right. That was an easy win. So, what is it with you and plastic bags?

Thanks for the apology. Doesn’t mean you’re off the list though. Anyway, I have issues with plastic bags. I find them very frustrating and a constant source of embarrassment…

Huh? Frustrating? Because they always break?

No. Because I can’t open them. I can seperate them off the roll etc. but I cannot for the life of me get them to open in order to put things in. Rubbing them between my hands, breathing on them, licking my finger-tips, picking with my nails…. They frustrate me every time, refusing to part their ‘lips’ and I always have to ask someone (usually the shop assistant ) to help me… (And yes, I do appreciate the irony there…)

Ooohhh, this does sound serious. Are you harbouring any thoughts of self-harm? Have you made any plans?

F*** you… You’re at the top of the list now. My question is this… Am I the only one? Is there anyone else out there that has the same affliction?

Are you looking for a date? Are you really that lonely?

That’s it… I really am after you now. I would asphyxiate you with with a plastic bag over the head and some duct-tape but…. *sigh* I can’t ever find the end of the duct-tape either… (Ironically)

Acknowledgement, Annoyances, Commentary, General Humour, Modern Life

My genes have let me down…

I’m not talking about the fact that I have Type 1 diabetes.

Or that I have a mental illness.

Or hypothyroidism.

Or short-sight.

And high blood-pressure.

Or that I’m allergic to cats.

No. None of these are the problem. I have medication for all the physical stuff. I get therapy for the mental problem. I wear glasses and I can take anti-histamines to counter the cats. (Or kick them out when it’s really bad.)

No. The real problem (and one that can’t be treated) is that I’m too tall.

Eh? Almost everyone would like to be taller!

Not if they had my kitchen sink cupboard…

My partner is a bit OCD and likes to tidy everything away. This results in everything I like to keep handy in case needed is ‘stuffed’ in the cupboard beneath the kitchen sink.

Aaarrgghhh!

Every time I try to find the hammer, or the sellotape, or the bin-bags, or my Marmite… I cause an avalanche of ‘crap’ that takes hours to put back.

Now, if I were shorter, I would be able to see into the cupboard and find the required item much quicker and without creating a mess of monumental proportions. My blood pressure would also be lower preventing an early demise. (Especially considering all the health conditions mentioned earlier!)

The short of it is… I’m too tall.

Behaviour, Commentary, General Humour, Other people, Superheroes

Other peoples business…

Just spent the last half an hour hanging my ear out of the back door listening to my neighbours having the mother of all arguments. (My partner was stood on the bed in the other room with her ear pressed to the ceiling…)

Why do we find others distress so enjoyable/interesting? Because we don’t have such drama in our own lives or does it just make us feel better?

I’ve had bucket-loads of drama in my life so I guess I must feel glad that it’s happening to someone else and not me.

Ever ‘rubber-necked’ on the motorway? Why? Worried that it might be someone you know?

Unlikely. On the motorway (or interstate) every other vehicle is more of an annoyance (like a buzzing fly) that is obstructing your way to the home/office/airport etc. and you probably couldn’t care less about who the drivers or passengers might be.

Is it possible to resist the temptation to poke our noses in? Should we?

Presumably some people do it to see if they can help or sort out an injustice. Perhaps our ‘superheroes’ are the ultimate ‘busybodies’ who make a career out of interfering. Instead of Spiderman, may be Peter Parker would have been better served adopting the moniker, ‘Nosey Parker’?

Many domestic fights are broken up by third parties only for them to find themselves being attacked by the partner that was on the receiving end of their spouses fist to start with. Sometimes it is better just to observe?

But even then you are likely to hear the immortal line – ‘What are you looking at?’ and have to turn away quickly or pretend to be extremely interested in the dry-cleaners behind them else risk becoming the subject of their wrath.

Anyway got to go. The partner has stormed out leaving the man with only the kids to shout at. Never heard such language from a seven-year old…

Commentary, General Humour, Karma, Modern Life, The little things in life

Conclusive proof that ‘Car’ma exists..

If you read my blog yesterday, you would have seen that I mentioned that my neighbours upset me all the time by continuously playing loud music and being generally obnoxious.

This morning, around 8 am, we heard a loud crunch in the road outside and looked out of the window to see what was going on.

‘Oh dear! What a shame!’ – the rear of their car was completely smashed in and the drivers were exchanging insurance details. Our neighbour was not a happy man. Any more proof needed? He he he.

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Commentary, Conversation, Free Speech, General Humour, Language, Meanings of words

Is it in yet?

Is it in yet?

Of course the four worst words any man wants to hear. 😉

Got me thinking though. (I hasten to mention, that was NOT said to me!)

In these days when tweets and texts are perhaps the primary method of communication (after speech) and we have to limit the amount of words/characters we use – what are the best/worst things we can hear or read that contain the fewest words?

Here’s a few of my suggestions…

You have 1/3/6 months to live

I love you

It’s not you, it’s me

That item is out of stock

You’ve got the job!

It’s a boy/girl!

It’s twins/triplets/sextuplets

I forgot your passport!

Happy Birthday!

We don’t have that size/color

We’re getting a puppy

I’m sorry about this but…

I’m pregnant

Bend over

We need to talk

I’m sorry

It’s too late

We’re out of toilet paper

Last orders please!

Wow. Isn’t it interesting how such few words can produce so much amount and variety of emotion? And how the very same words can be either positive or negative?

Generally you would imagine that the words ‘I love you’ would be great to hear, especially the first time. But for some people it can be the death knell for a relationship if they’re not ready or have a fear of commitment.

‘It’s a boy/girl’ can have tremendous import if you live in a country that allows/practices gendercide because of skewed economics or population problems. Many parents would cry tears not of joy but despair or anguish if the ‘wrong’ sex meant having to terminate the pregnancy or secretly dispose of the baby.

Some words can only mean bad news. I suspect almost no-one will take the instruction to ‘Bend over’ in a doctor’s office as an indication that something good is about to happen. There’s always exceptions to the rule though…

‘Happy Birthday’ will be words that will be great to hear for new 16/18/21 year olds as they are important milestones that open up whole new worlds of possibilities depending on where you live. At last you can go to a pub/bar/club or buy beer on your own! (Bit sad really but I think it’s true that it’s the primary thought in many young people’s heads)

Once you hit 30 though it’s a different story. To the point that you start dividing or deducting years in order to avoid hitting the big ‘tens’. ‘I’m NOT nearly 40, I’m 39 and a half!’ – me personally, I’m 47 and a quarter…

I’d love to hear your comments/opinions. What’s the best/worst thing you ever heard in the fewest words?