Annoyances, Commentary, Games, Humor, Mobile Phones

Things I’m no good at – Part 9 – not walking into people using mobile phones

Huh? Why on earth can you not walk into people using mobile phones Carl? Are you blind?

Yes, I’m totally blind. I’m writing this using speech to text. That’s why there are so many grammatical and spelling mistakes. That’s my excuse anyway.

But really, why do you walk into people using mobile phones?

Well, it’s not so much I walk into them but let them walk into me. It’s a new game I’ve invented. It’s great fun.

Does this new game have a name?

Absolutely, I’m going to copyright it. It’s called Totally Scare The Shit Out Of Teenagers Who Don’t Look Where They’re Going Because They’re Obsessed With Their Phone And Walk Into Someone Scary Who’s Much Bigger Than They Are.

Hmmm, catchy.

I like it. I’m thinking of making it into an app….

Annoying, Commentary, Humor

Things I’m no good at – Part 8 – Not annoying police officers…

Oh dear god Carl. Why are you going around annoying police officers?

I’m sorry (Not really) – but it’s just too easy.

It’s too easy to annoy people who can arrest you and put you in a cell?

Yes, you see I used to work for the police in the finance department and I know full well that because it’s Feb\March they’re all having having to do overtime because their bosses need to spend their budgets before the new financial year. So the officers are happy getting the overtime pay but exhausted and cranky too.

So you think it’s a good idea to annoy them?

Absolutely. My standard operating procedure is to stare at them as they drive past then glance away and look as furtive as possible. It’s hilarious (for me).

And they stop and come and question you?

No, annoyingly, but I’ve found a work around.

And what pray tell is that?

I take off all my clothes and run down the street yelling I’m Santa.

And are you Santa? Albeit a naked one.

Sure, why not. If it makes you happy. (Weirdo)…


Commentary, Humor, Open Mic, Poetry

Bit rude but extremely funny. (Or maybe it’s just me)

SOoo, Ladies, Gentlemen and Undetermined (Let’s not get onto Jordan Peterson now though, I haven’t got the time or patience for an argument)

I was out at an Open Mic night recently and was fortunate to witness the first ever performance by a delightful young lady with refreshing honesty and absolutely no qualms about expressing her views on sex and relationships with men through the medium of potty-mouthed poetry. ūüėģ

She’s kindly given me permission to reproduce one of her works here so it’s with great pleasure that I present for your enjoyment – India Gillett and ‘Mother Fucker’.

I straddled his waist.
He said ‘you’ve got your mum’s arse’,
As he grabbed a handful. 
He grinned… so I laughed.¬†

He was my childhood crush, 
So part of me was flattered 
And maybe he just said that thing
Because we were quite battered. 


That was fucking weird! 
Did he think it would impress?
Is that what you say to a girl
You’re trying to undress?

At least he was honest…
Said he’s a grower not a show-er!
Not that it ever mattered
My hands never went lower.

I called it all off,
Said he felt like my brother.
Now when our families meet
I’m sure he flirts with my mother.

We still get along though, 
Our friendship’s not grown colder
And he’s got a girlfriend now…

She’s twenty years older.

*Huge Applause!!!

Adversity, Awkward Situations, Behaviour, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Challenge, Commentary, Conversation, General Humor, General Humour, Had enough, Humor

Things I’m no good at – Part 1 – Plastic Bags…

Shouldn’t the first thing on your list be writing good blogs?

F*** off. That was a cheap shot…

Ok, you’re right. That was an easy win. So, what is it with you and plastic bags?

Thanks for the apology. Doesn’t mean you’re off the list though. Anyway, I have issues with plastic bags. I find them very frustrating and a constant source of embarrassment…

Huh? Frustrating? Because they always break?

No. Because I can’t open them. I can seperate them off the roll etc. but I cannot for the life of me get them to open in order to put things in. Rubbing them between my hands, breathing on them, licking my finger-tips, picking with my nails…. They frustrate me every time, refusing to part their ‘lips’ and I always have to ask someone (usually the shop assistant¬†) to help me… (And yes, I do appreciate the irony there…)

Ooohhh, this does sound serious. Are you harbouring any thoughts of self-harm? Have you made any plans?

F*** you… You’re at the top of the list now. My question is this… Am I the only one? Is there anyone else out there that has the same affliction?

Are you looking for a date? Are you really that lonely?

That’s it… I really am after you now. I would asphyxiate you with with a plastic bag over the head and some duct-tape but…. *sigh* I can’t ever find the end of the duct-tape either… (Ironically)

Awkward Situations, Blog, bright side of life, Commentary, Humor, Irony

Blank stares in Vegas

*Sigh* – Not another post about Vegas…

Yes, get over it. There may be a few. The States was a great source of fresh material and I have a burning desire to make your lives more miserable with it. Seeing it’s Xmas and all.

So what’s this one about?

I’m glad you asked. Well, when I got there I was looking forward to hearing all the “How’s it going today Sir?” and “You have a nice day.” and all that. It amused me. For a bit.


Well, I got a bit judgemental and started mental scoring people on the effort they put into their greeting and sincerity in the delivery and width and brightness of smile.

What were the results?

Bit variable. I reckon 40% really good (They were either drunk, high or just looking to make the day less dull) and then there were the other 60% – resentful, bored, uninterested and generally wishing they could do just about anything else (Like get drunk or high).

So what did you do?

I tried to cheer them up by being cheery, enthusiastic and effusive in my thanks.

How did that work out?

An awful lot of blank stares. Once threatened with security being called. There was one exception though – Vanessa.

Who’s Vanessa?

The girl who checked me in at the hotel. The second person I spoke to since arriving in Las Vegas.

That’s nice. She appreciated your humour then?

Unsurprisingly yes. She was English and came from Crystal Palace in London. A mile away from where I live….

Annoyances, Arguments, Blog, Commentary, Drinks, Humor

That is NOT an ‘effing Margarita…

Oh dear Carl. What happened?

Well. *DEEP SIGH* I was out in Las Vegas being taken for dinner by friends last week…


Well. We were seated and the waitress naturally asked us if we would like drinks. I spied two ladies drinking from cocktail glasses with white crystals around the rim and the light bulb switched on in my mouth.

Ah, you thought they were drinking Margaritas?

Yes. My all-time favourite cocktail. My number one each and every time. Drunk them all over the world.


I ordered one.


I got a snow-cone.

Ah… Did you make her cry?

Not at first. I asked her WTF it was. She dutifully replied it was a Margarita.

Hmmm… What did you say?

It took me a few seconds to think of a response. I finally came up the witty response “No the **** it isn’t. Margaritas don’t have ice in them and they certainly don’t come in half-pint glasses. They come in glasses like that!”, pointing at the empty conical glasses on the other table.

“Oh no Sir, they’re for Daiquiris…”

At this point I began to cry and ordered beer instead. It arrived in a soup bowl…

Annoying, Anxiety, Blog, Commentary, Humor

Las Vegas scared the crap out of me…

What? Carl, we thought you were some kind of tough guy…

I am. But two weeks in a casino/hotel/spa taught me some things about American plumbing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very clean and does the job but…

I’m intrigued now. But what?

The toilets flush themselves! And they have suction on them that puts an aeroplane loo or black hole to shame.

Surely that’s good though? Get rid of it once and for all as soon as possible?

You’d think, but when you’re sitting there trying to relax¬†and not expecting it, the sudden flush and rush of wind can be a little ‘disconcerting’ shall we say? – Good job I was in the right place… ūüėČ ¬†(Pun intended)