Awkward Situations, Blog, bright side of life, Commentary, Humor, Irony

Blank stares in Vegas

*Sigh* – Not another post about Vegas…

Yes, get over it. There may be a few. The States was a great source of fresh material and I have a burning desire to make your lives more miserable with it. Seeing it’s Xmas and all.

So what’s this one about?

I’m glad you asked. Well, when I got there I was looking forward to hearing all the “How’s it going today Sir?” and “You have a nice day.” and all that. It amused me. For a bit.

Then?

Well, I got a bit judgemental and started mental scoring people on the effort they put into their greeting and sincerity in the delivery and width and brightness of smile.

What were the results?

Bit variable. I reckon 40% really good (They were either drunk, high or just looking to make the day less dull) and then there were the other 60% – resentful, bored, uninterested and generally wishing they could do just about anything else (Like get drunk or high).

So what did you do?

I tried to cheer them up by being cheery, enthusiastic and effusive in my thanks.

How did that work out?

An awful lot of blank stares. Once threatened with security being called. There was one exception though – Vanessa.

Who’s Vanessa?

The girl who checked me in at the hotel. The second person I spoke to since arriving in Las Vegas.

That’s nice. She appreciated your humour then?

Unsurprisingly yes. She was English and came from Crystal Palace in London. A mile away from where I live….

Annoyances, Arguments, Blog, Commentary, Drinks, Humor

That is NOT an ‘effing Margarita…

Oh dear Carl. What happened?

Well. *DEEP SIGH* I was out in Las Vegas being taken for dinner by friends last week…

And?

Well. We were seated and the waitress naturally asked us if we would like drinks. I spied two ladies drinking from cocktail glasses with white crystals around the rim and the light bulb switched on in my mouth.

Ah, you thought they were drinking Margaritas?

Yes. My all-time favourite cocktail. My number one each and every time. Drunk them all over the world.

So?

I ordered one.

And?

I got a snow-cone.

Ah… Did you make her cry?

Not at first. I asked her WTF it was. She dutifully replied it was a Margarita.

Hmmm… What did you say?

It took me a few seconds to think of a response. I finally came up the witty response “No the **** it isn’t. Margaritas don’t have ice in them and they certainly don’t come in half-pint glasses. They come in glasses like that!”, pointing at the empty conical glasses on the other table.

“Oh no Sir, they’re for Daiquiris…”

At this point I began to cry and ordered beer instead. It arrived in a soup bowl…

Annoying, Anxiety, Blog, Commentary, Humor

Las Vegas scared the crap out of me…

What? Carl, we thought you were some kind of tough guy…

I am. But two weeks in a casino/hotel/spa taught me some things about American plumbing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very clean and does the job but…

I’m intrigued now. But what?

The toilets flush themselves! And they have suction on them that puts an aeroplane loo or black hole to shame.

Surely that’s good though? Get rid of it once and for all as soon as possible?

You’d think, but when you’re sitting there trying to relax and not expecting it, the sudden flush and rush of wind can be a little ‘disconcerting’ shall we say? – Good job I was in the right place… 😉  (Pun intended)

Annoyances, Behaviour, Bigotry, Blog, Commentary, Humor

Morbidly Obese Cock Womble

Ok Carl… You’ve certainly come up with interesting things before (Sometimes) but this one is definitely raising the bar…

Well, do you share a property with someone who is, let us say, a little unpredictable on occasion?

Nope. We come to you for the crazy…

Ah. Good for you. I’m very happy knowing your life is ‘normal’.

So, tell us, what is a morbidly obese cock womble?

Have you ever woken in the morning to find offensive graffiti on your front door and a sad attempt to stick it shut with duct tape? – Because apparently it’s, and I quote, ‘Funny’?

Can’t say I have.

Well, welcome to my life. Being the calm natured person I am it was only reasonable (In my opinion) to break into his flat, steal his permanent marker and return the ‘favour’. That too is funny IMHO….

Hence – Morbidly Obese Cock Womble every time he sticks the key in the door…

cock-womble

Blogging, Commentary, Humor, Musings, Smoking, Vaping

Vaping. It’s a bit random…

So you’re started vaping then Carl?

I have! I ‘effing love it. I could go on and on but I shan’t.

So why bring it up?

Well. I was chatting with a friend earlier and I happened to mention, in passing of course, that I was now vaping instead of smoking and feeling the benefits.

And?

He told me that he’d started vaping too and was also loving it.

And?

He never bloody smoked! Well, a bit (read quite a lot) of nudge, nudge, wink, wink but not tobacco…

nudge-nudge-monty-python-105

So why he is he vaping?

Exactly! Apparently he’s smoking 0% nicotine flavoured water because, and I quote, “I like the taste.”

That’s it really.

Blogging, Blogs, bright side of life, Commentary, Humor

Bit ashamed….

You’re a bit ashamed? Should we really ask Carl?

Mmmmm… I’d rather you didn’t.

Red rag to a bull. Go on, what did you do now?

I got a new phone.

And?

It works properly. And It’s got two cameras.

Hardly big news.

I know. BUT…..

*sigh* – What did you do?

I took some selfies. Something I totally disapprove of. And it’s caused some health issues.

Seriously? What could’ve possibly happened?

It’s left me a little horse….

shetland

Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Humor, Meanings of words, Musings

Parents say the funniest things…

Oh no Carl. What now?

Sorry world, I can’t resist relaying this tale.

*sigh* Go on then…

OK. So, I’m visiting my parents (contrary to common belief I don’t still live with them). Anyway, in the UK Friday is fish ‘n chips day so my mother went out early this morning to get fresh fish from the market.

And?

When she returned she was blushing and giggling like a school-girl. My father and I were bemused. “What’s so funny?” we asked…

What did she say?

Apparently she was purchasing the plaice (That’s a type of fish) that we ate for lunch and the girl serving asked “do you like the skin black or white?”

And?

My mother replied… “Black is preferable but size is more important…”

Classic.

Indeed. It also explains a lot about me…