Blog, Commentary, Musings, Publication, Writing

So. I’m last… BUT! It’s all good…

OK Carl. We know you’re going to tell us whether we want to hear about it or not… *sigh*

Yes! But this is great news. It finally happened! 😀

*2nd sigh* – Go on then, what happened?

You know! The thing!

*3rd sigh* WHAT thing?

OK, seeing you’re being so pushy. I’m not going to shout about it or make a big deal but…           I’M A PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!!!!

Funny. Thought someone as talented a writer as you would have been published years ago….

Yeah, you’d think. But admittedly I have hidden my light under a bushel for a long time…

So what’s this about you being last?

Well, in their wisdom, the publishers made my story the last one in the anthology.

And that’s a good thing? We’d expect you to be upset.

Well you’d be wrong. When you go to a gig do you remember the first song or the last?

Hmmm… I do see your point. So you’re taking it as a compliment?

Absolutely. Always leave them (you) wanting more… 😉  Buy it here. I would say please but I don’t want to lose your respect.

Pfffttt….

Blogging, Commentary, Humor, Musings, Smoking, Vaping

Vaping. It’s a bit random…

So you’re started vaping then Carl?

I have! I ‘effing love it. I could go on and on but I shan’t.

So why bring it up?

Well. I was chatting with a friend earlier and I happened to mention, in passing of course, that I was now vaping instead of smoking and feeling the benefits.

And?

He told me that he’d started vaping too and was also loving it.

And?

He never bloody smoked! Well, a bit (read quite a lot) of nudge, nudge, wink, wink but not tobacco…

nudge-nudge-monty-python-105

So why he is he vaping?

Exactly! Apparently he’s smoking 0% nicotine flavoured water because, and I quote, “I like the taste.”

That’s it really.

Commentary

Pedicure Paraphrasing…

This impressed me. (Mainly because I wrote it…) 😉

SpyKeyOne

What the bloody hell now?

Bear with me. This is good. You’ll laugh.

Bet I bloody won’t.

You will! I promise. As long as you’ve seen Jaws. The famous film directed by Steven Spielburg. Based on the book by Peter Benchley written in 1974. Did you know the film was made only the next year after the book was published?

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Why is this funny?

I went for a pedicure yesterday. One of those places where you get the dead skin nibbled off your feet by tiny fish.

And?

I took my shoes and socks off and put my feet in the bowl.

And?

The cute Asian girls who run the salon looked at each other.

And?

They said – “We’re going to need bigger fish.”

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Blogging, Blogs, bright side of life, Commentary, Humor

Bit ashamed….

You’re a bit ashamed? Should we really ask Carl?

Mmmmm… I’d rather you didn’t.

Red rag to a bull. Go on, what did you do now?

I got a new phone.

And?

It works properly. And It’s got two cameras.

Hardly big news.

I know. BUT…..

*sigh* – What did you do?

I took some selfies. Something I totally disapprove of. And it’s caused some health issues.

Seriously? What could’ve possibly happened?

It’s left me a little horse….

shetland

Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Humor, Meanings of words, Musings

Parents say the funniest things…

Oh no Carl. What now?

Sorry world, I can’t resist relaying this tale.

*sigh* Go on then…

OK. So, I’m visiting my parents (contrary to common belief I don’t still live with them). Anyway, in the UK Friday is fish ‘n chips day so my mother went out early this morning to get fresh fish from the market.

And?

When she returned she was blushing and giggling like a school-girl. My father and I were bemused. “What’s so funny?” we asked…

What did she say?

Apparently she was purchasing the plaice (That’s a type of fish) that we ate for lunch and the girl serving asked “do you like the skin black or white?”

And?

My mother replied… “Black is preferable but size is more important…”

Classic.

Indeed. It also explains a lot about me…

Blogging, Blogs, Commentary, Humor, Musings

Out and Proud – I AM a Zombie Clown…

OMG Carl. TBH I can’t say we’re surprised but really, you guys are scum…

No, no no. Not one of those idiots. You’re right, they are scum.

So what kind of Zombie Clown are you then? There’s a good kind?

Sure there is. A load of us Zombies took over London’s West End last week. Had a laugh, bit of a drink, raised money money for charity. You know, cool stuff.

And people liked it?

They loved it! Never had so many people ask to have their photo taken with me. Nearly blinded by the flashlights. BUT guess how many times I got arrested…

Ummm, knowing you, twice?

Not even once! A new record.

Well done. Glad to hear you’re being rehabilitated.

It’s all about releasing the inner Zombie and being true to your dead side.

Wow. Should I give it a go?

Absolutely. I’ll lend you my make-up… (And don’t underestimate the benefits of Zombie sex shops)

zombie-shout

Annoyances, Blogging, Blogs, Cheese, Commentary, Humor, Hunger

Mystery Cheese – Don’t go there…

Mystery cheese? Should I even ask?

You’ll have to now won’t you.

*Sigh* What’s with the mystery cheese Carl?

I’m glad you asked. In the local shop last night I was staring dumbly at the chiller cabinet thinking about salami (which they didn’t have) and a pack of cheese caught my eye. It looked suspiciously like goats cheese which I love so bought it on an impulse.

Ooh! Was it goats cheese?

Sadly not.

What was it then?

Absolutely disgusting.

Aww. That’s a shame.

Not really. I’m saving it for the next time someone visits that I don’t really like. Got some stale biscuits somewhere too.

You’re mean.

That’s news?