Annoying, Anxiety, Blog, Commentary, Humor

Las Vegas scared the crap out of me…

What? Carl, we thought you were some kind of tough guy…

I am. But two weeks in a casino/hotel/spa taught me some things about American plumbing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very clean and does the job but…

I’m intrigued now. But what?

The toilets flush themselves! And they have suction on them that puts an aeroplane loo or black hole to shame.

Surely that’s good though? Get rid of it once and for all as soon as possible?

You’d think, but when you’re sitting there trying to relax and not expecting it, the sudden flush and rush of wind can be a little ‘disconcerting’ shall we say? – Good job I was in the right place… 😉  (Pun intended)

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Annoyances, Behaviour, Bigotry, Blog, Commentary, Humor

Morbidly Obese Cock Womble

Ok Carl… You’ve certainly come up with interesting things before (Sometimes) but this one is definitely raising the bar…

Well, do you share a property with someone who is, let us say, a little unpredictable on occasion?

Nope. We come to you for the crazy…

Ah. Good for you. I’m very happy knowing your life is ‘normal’.

So, tell us, what is a morbidly obese cock womble?

Have you ever woken in the morning to find offensive graffiti on your front door and a sad attempt to stick it shut with duct tape? – Because apparently it’s, and I quote, ‘Funny’?

Can’t say I have.

Well, welcome to my life. Being the calm natured person I am it was only reasonable (In my opinion) to break into his flat, steal his permanent marker and return the ‘favour’. That too is funny IMHO….

Hence – Morbidly Obese Cock Womble every time he sticks the key in the door…

cock-womble

Commentary

Smexper’s Only…

Simply can’t be bothered to write anything new today…

SpyKeyOne

Are you an adult?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines adult as –

A person who is fully grown or developed.

Now I have issues with this. I can concede that I’m fully grown. I.e. I’m not likely to grow any more, in fact I think I’m shrinking (except for my ears). But fully developed?

I don’t think so.

If I were then surely I wouldn’t need to spell-check everything? How come I still play stupid, possibly harmful pranks? Why don’t I have all the answers?

I think we need a new word.

How about smexper?

Sufficiently More EXperienced PERson.

It could work –

A child must be accompanied by an smexper.

Smexper material

Smexper’s only.

I like it. It fulfills the requirements of the meaning of adult yet is not definitive. There is room for adjusting the terms of ‘sufficiently more experienced’ without the catch-all broadness…

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Commentary

Quicksand…

Forgot I wrote this ages ago. Seems kinda appropriate with all the stuff being defecated in the States at the moment because of the election…

SpyKeyOne

*Sigh* You’re going to get all political again aren’t you?

No. Not really.

So, what about quicksand?

Well. We’re all up to our necks in it aren’t we?

I’m not.

Are you sure? You use the internet don’t you?

Well obviously. I wouldn’t be reading this piece of crap if I wasn’t.

Ah. But therein lies the rub. That’s Shakespeare by the way.

I know that!

Good. Well seeing you know that, how come you don’t know you’re drowning in quicksand?

What blooming quicksand? I’m sitting on my sofa at home!

The quicksand on your screen that’s sucking you in and drowning you in lies, disinformation, unwanted/unneeded opinions about everything and just general, well let’s face it, crap.

Ah. I see where you’re coming from now.

Good. So you going to turn it off now?

Don’t be stupid…..

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Blog, Commentary, Musings, Publication, Writing

So. I’m last… BUT! It’s all good…

OK Carl. We know you’re going to tell us whether we want to hear about it or not… *sigh*

Yes! But this is great news. It finally happened! 😀

*2nd sigh* – Go on then, what happened?

You know! The thing!

*3rd sigh* WHAT thing?

OK, seeing you’re being so pushy. I’m not going to shout about it or make a big deal but…           I’M A PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!!!!

Funny. Thought someone as talented a writer as you would have been published years ago….

Yeah, you’d think. But admittedly I have hidden my light under a bushel for a long time…

So what’s this about you being last?

Well, in their wisdom, the publishers made my story the last one in the anthology.

And that’s a good thing? We’d expect you to be upset.

Well you’d be wrong. When you go to a gig do you remember the first song or the last?

Hmmm… I do see your point. So you’re taking it as a compliment?

Absolutely. Always leave them (you) wanting more… 😉  Buy it here. I would say please but I don’t want to lose your respect.

Pfffttt….

Blogging, Commentary, Humor, Musings, Smoking, Vaping

Vaping. It’s a bit random…

So you’re started vaping then Carl?

I have! I ‘effing love it. I could go on and on but I shan’t.

So why bring it up?

Well. I was chatting with a friend earlier and I happened to mention, in passing of course, that I was now vaping instead of smoking and feeling the benefits.

And?

He told me that he’d started vaping too and was also loving it.

And?

He never bloody smoked! Well, a bit (read quite a lot) of nudge, nudge, wink, wink but not tobacco…

nudge-nudge-monty-python-105

So why he is he vaping?

Exactly! Apparently he’s smoking 0% nicotine flavoured water because, and I quote, “I like the taste.”

That’s it really.

Commentary

Pedicure Paraphrasing…

This impressed me. (Mainly because I wrote it…) 😉

SpyKeyOne

What the bloody hell now?

Bear with me. This is good. You’ll laugh.

Bet I bloody won’t.

You will! I promise. As long as you’ve seen Jaws. The famous film directed by Steven Spielburg. Based on the book by Peter Benchley written in 1974. Did you know the film was made only the next year after the book was published?

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Why is this funny?

I went for a pedicure yesterday. One of those places where you get the dead skin nibbled off your feet by tiny fish.

And?

I took my shoes and socks off and put my feet in the bowl.

And?

The cute Asian girls who run the salon looked at each other.

And?

They said – “We’re going to need bigger fish.”

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