What now Carl? You haven’t been blogging for months…
Well, I’ve been busy…
So? Did you miss us?
Not really.
Bastard….
Technically. No. Emphatically? Definitely.
But does that not make us your fans?
Technically, sadly for you, yes. But are you making me any cooler? Sadly (Again)… No…
😦   Ah well. The dice lie where they roll…
Yeah. Keep telling yourself that…
Tag: Cats
Afternoon naps…
What about afternoon naps?
I love them. I’m very fortunate to be able to take them.
Where do you take them?
Usually in bed. Sometimes on the sofa. Occasionally face down on my laptop.
Why should we be interested in this?
Good question. I just know a lot of you will be jealous and I’m a very mean person.
You are.
I know. But you know what?
What?
I don’t care. Go away now. I’m taking a nap…. 😉
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Acknowledgement, Annoyances, Annoying, Behaviour, Blogging, Blogs, Cats, Commentary, Fear, Horror, Humor
An update on my ‘follower’
Well. After a completely sleepless night, thanks to my delightful neighbors, I’m at a loss what to write about today. So I thought I’d give you an update on my acolyte, Twig-Twog, and his continued search for divine enlightenment.
Wouldn’t you rather vent and describe the many ways in which you’d like to murder your neighbors?
Well. I would but I shan’t. I shall rise above it and talk about Twiggers instead.
I thought he annoyed you?
Well, he does. But like they say – “The better of two evils”
Twig-Twog is still obsessed with me. His messiah. But he has adopted new (slightly creepy) tactics.
Rather than sitting at my knee, gazing adoringly at me from one static position.
He now has a new strategy.
What does he do now?
Good question. He now attempts to set my mind more at rest. He still adopts the same position but farther away.
Well that’s better isn’t it? You said his close proximity was disturbing your writing.
You’d think. But it’s a ruse. A bluff. When I look away he quickly edges closer then adopts exactly the same posture. Stealth tactics. He thinks I won’t notice as he moves in for the ‘kill’.
N.B. ‘Kill’ in this sense means me capitulating to his silent (yet fervent) demands and picking him up and giving him a ‘stroke’ or ‘cuddle’. The cat equivalent of me waving a white flag and signing a detrimental peace treaty and demands for reparations.
Aw. That’s cute!
No it isn’t. Ever see that Dr Who episode with the moving angel statues that only crept up on you when you weren’t looking? It won several awards and was called Blink. The aliens were called Weeping Angels.
Ah. I can see why you’re a bit freaked…
Too right. Anyone want a ‘cat’ for Christmas? He’s very cute.
Honest….
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Virgin in The Machine
What you on about now Carl?
This is my first ever book review!
Really? What’s the book?
Hmmmm. That’s easy. It’s called The Machine and it’s by a friend of mine – E.C. Jarvis.
What’s the genre?
Got me there. My best shot would be that it’s a steampunk, semi-erotic thriller/mystery with lots of violence, torture, depravity, murder, pirates and a cat.
A cat?
Yes. A cat.
Does the cat have a large part?
Larger than you’d think.
I’m intrigued.
You should be. It’s a fast paced book with lots of twists and turns. The characters are deep yet not over-explained and there are always questions raised which keep you thinking yet she doesn’t leave you dangling for the answers. In that way it’s a very satisfying read. You do get satisfied within just the right amount of time to not leave you so frustrated you lose interest.
Is there a hero?
Yes. She’s a heroine actually. A very diverse character. Part flakey, part superstar.
Is there a baddie?
Loads. And they are nasty. REALLY nasty. So nasty you burn with a need to see them punished and destroyed.
Do they get their comeuppance?
Not telling.
Finally. On a serious note. This does get my recommendation as a good read. It’s part one of a trilogy but just like His Dark Materials it can be read in isolation. The writing is that good.
So I won’t regret reading it?
I didn’t. And I’m not that easy to please. 😉
Sow where can I buy this masterpiece?
And find out more about the author here
.
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Little Lion Man….
Ho hum. Monday morning….
What you going to write today Carl?
Dunno. Bit short of inspiration today.
Why not listen to some music and play with your cat? (One of two)
OK. Great idea! I shall….
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Today it’s snakes…
As regular readers will know, I have often mentioned a variety of animals/pets.
Frogs, snails, the ubiquitous cats, dogs and oh yeah, snails. Again. I like snails.
And garlic.
Today it’s snakes.
Why Carl! – WHY?
Cos you might find it funny…
Now I used to have a flat-mate *name withheld* who had a snake called Grubby. Don’t ask me why. But it did shit on my bed a few times so it wasn’t an inappropriate name IMHO.
What type of snake was it?
Can’t remember. A yellow one.
Great fun. Ate live mice. Not horrible, just nature. But really quite interesting to watch. I can’t say I’m a 100% certain but I’m pretty sure they don’t last long on a vegetarian diet.
Anyway. *Name Withheld* used to take Grubby down the pub with us. Bit like a scarf.
Best chat-up lines ever…
Would you like to hold my snake?
Would you like to stroke my snake?
Touch my snake? It won’t bite. (But it could possibly crap on you)
I used to keep green water-dragons. Didn’t work quite as well.
But out of fairness.
They never crapped in my bed.
(I put them in my flat-mates room for that)
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Trousers for snails…
I had a comment the other day suggesting that trousers for snails might be a good idea.
I commented back that I had scoured eBay but couldn’t find any single-legged trousers…
Made me think about clothes for animals/pets.
Why?
Well. I don’t know. Things make me think. Sometimes.
I do think constantly. It’s actually very tiring.
But why do we put clothes on animals? Does it make make them more human? Are our pets nicer than most of the people we know?
(N.B. I could go on and on about anthropomorphism here – but I shan’t. Twig-Twog, the cat, is distracting me asking if a new pair of jeans are making him look fat. P.S. The answer is yes.)
But do the pets appreciate it?
Perhaps. Maybe that’s the definition of unconditional love?
They’ll let us dress them in ridiculous things and still love us.
So. Question….
Cocktail dresses for goldfish. Niche in the market I should take advantage of?
I shall email Vivienne Westwood…
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What is wrong with you people?
Who? Who are you talking about?
YOU! My blog readers!
Why? What did we do?
You bemuse me. I did some analysis of my blog stats.
And?
Well, you weirdos, turns out my most popular pieces have been about snails, flies and cats.
And, ironically, – pants.
You really need to do some self-analysis.
You’re sick….
😉
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Dolly Love…
Get off me. I’m having a nap.
Purr.
All right. Just this time. But be still.
Purr.
There are no snakes on my belly. Stop it.
Purr.
Or my crotch. Stop it.
Purr.
Or my nipples. Stop it.
Purr.
Why is your nose in my mouth? Stop it.
Purr.
That wasn’t an invitation to turn around.
Purr.
*Sigh*
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I am a GOD!
I am a GOD!
I must be. I have a follower.
Not a blog follower. A feline one.
Twig-Twog, son of Dolly and Meeka – the historical records get a bit vague after that. One grandmother was called Titch but that’s about all we can be certain of. We certainly don’t get any birthday or Christmas cards for him from any relatives.
Now, Twig-Twog, Twiggers, has always been a bit skittish. Resuscitated after being still-born, big kink in the end of his unusually large tail. Boss-eyed. His nickname used to be Scarper because he would run away at the slightest noise or movement. Particularly afraid of large black things for some reason – bin bags, my coat, my monster slippers.
Not a big fan of petting or being cuddled.
I’ve lived with him for nearly four years. Apart from throwing him the occasional ‘bone’ – read dried cat food, I have never bothered to try and solicit attention. He ignored me and I ignored him. Marriage made in heaven.
Over recent months the dynamic has changed. He’s obsessed. Possessed? I am now the centre of his universe. He sits at my feet all day, staring unblinking at me like a besotted puppy.
What did I do to deserve such attention? I haven’t treated him or given him any special attention. I didn’t stop beating him because I never beat him in the first place.
There’s only one answer. He gives adoration yet receives nothing in return.
I must be a god…
SpyKeyOne 